Dancing to the Masochism Tango
by BeholdIAmDeath
Summary: Masochism (n.): The tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one's own pain or humiliation. No matter what they do, they can't escape it. This vicious cycle between them.
1. Chapter 1

A stale wind swept the dust off the ground through the town known as Schrein. The name meant coffin. Fitting. A tinge of cold night air made an attempt to reach their spines, but the First Interior Squad members standing outside the gates of the town were far too focused to allow a measly shiver to take hold. Among them was Zina Kortakovsky. She shut her eyes, a random mantra running through her mind to ready herself. The team swung through the streets, each going into a house. Zina, however, wasn't satisfied with random choice. She noticed a young woman praying to a Titan statue. Perfect. She would kill the traitors of humanity as the King's right hand.

The woman turned and drew a short breath before the bullet sliced clean through her chest. Her eyes went wide as the cold metal reduced her to nothing but a corpse. Take that, Titan loving whore. She marked another presence in the area by a shocked gasp, and without a second thought she used the Anti-Human gear to close the short distance between them. It was a man this time. He ended up with an empty skull and dangling eyeballs. She turned towards a scream, swinging herself around before advancing. The woman was wide-eyed, her scream piercing the air for a moment before the gun was in her mouth. Shock consumed her as she lost the ability to continue screaming. Bam! Another victory for humanity. This was the work of the goddesses performed by her hands.

Zina decided she deserved a quick breather to admire the silence as well as her work. She was an artist, and the blood of the unworthy was her paint. She moved her foot over a small rock as she felt another presence enter the area.

"What is going on here?"

Without a word, Zina turned swiftly and fired three shots. There was a dick shot, a chest shot and a head shot. Gorgeous. With that she turned down a random street, her mind blank as she made it to the first house she saw without a bloody stripe on it. Jumping forward, she kicked through the front door and ran inside. She turned a corner to see a startled man and woman at a table, they looked at her, saw the blood and fear overtook them. Jumping forward, Zina kicked the woman in the face, effectively sending her to the nearest wall smashing her skull instantly from the sudden impact. She fired into the man while he gawked at the pretty woman's dead eyes. Zina smiled and dipped her hand in the blood before painting a stripe on the door.

No sooner than she reached the street did she see another house to enter, and in a similar fashion, she "opened" the door. She sprinted into the two story house, looking for the ones inside. She ran upstairs and kicked down the first door that held the two civilians, laying together tangled up in bed. They looked up from their activities in shock as Zina jumped through the air. She fired through the man's back, killing both lovers in an instant. She turned to search the rest of the house when she saw a young boy, no older than her own daughter, cowering in the hallway with a kitchen knife clasped tighter than necessary. His body shook with fear. Zina's mind was a silent as she advanced towards the boy. She avoided the knife that would have grazed her hip as she grabbed the boy's head in her hand and twisted. There was a short yelp before the boy fell limp in her grasp. All for the cause.

When she stepped out of the last house on the street, she met up with a superior who was asking for a head count. "Thirty-six adult civilians, fifteen children, twelve military trainees and four infants."

She turned her attention back towards the square, planning on returning there to go towards another street when her prey actually came to her. Using her gear, she launched herself at the group. They were all dead by the time her anchors were fully retracted. Without a word she turned to the next street. It had been three full streets of houses since she had given a count to her superior. Curiosity peaked, Zina went to find her superior. Dead. Zina swore and used a pen to write on her arm:

55 adult civilians

78 students

28 military trainees

12 children

23 infants

She focused a minute to rid herself of the faces that were becoming harder and harder to ignore. She was on the last street, and at the end was the only house left unmarked. She didn't need to walk far, rounding a turn before she found herself in a kitchen, a woman sitting at the table with her elbows propping her hands up, her head resting in both hands as she prayed. She fiddled with a Titan necklace. Zina thought she was about to puke. She didn't look up to acknowledge her.

"The priests told us to take cover and hide in our houses," her voice was shaky. "They said...the government was...going to eliminate us."

Her eyes quivered and began to tear as she pulled out a knife. She ran at Zina, but Zina easily sidestepped and watched as the fall plunged the blade into her gut. Zina stood there for only a moment before giggling and walking down the hall. There was a man praying fervently. Bam! Dead. There was no one else though. Mission complete.

* * *

><p>"Honestly, why do we always get stuck with these weird jobs?"<p>

"Because we can't drink yet, and our superiors can."

"Tch. Fuck that. I-" the Military Police officer froze as soon as he saw the carnage. "Damn."

The pair stared in horrified awe at the scene before them. They were everywhere. Humans. Covered in dirt and grime as they lay in frozen terror. There were patches of space, or so it seemed, among them. They followed these, but when they went to a patch, there would be a body. An unmoving body. A dead body. A mother. A father. A sister. A brother. An adult. A child. An infant. There was another team there already, tossing bodies into a bonfire, polluting the air with the stench of burning flesh. Human flesh. Then the ashes were collected and all of the miserable, dead mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers, adults and children, were carted away and buried. Innate fear of such agony and loss of life made many look away.

"You two!" a superior called. "Search the houses for any survivors."

"Let's go," the girl, Mina, said. "I'll get sick if I keep looking."

"I doubt we'll find anything," the boy, Johnathan, with her huffed. "This happened days ago."

"Who do you think could've done this?"

"This was a village of Titan worshipers. Anybody could've done this."

"Why would they-"

"Don't go down that road. Just focus on our work."

But they did find something. In the last house of an empty street. Mina Harker had been the one responsible for searching the house while her friend Johnathan searched the other side of the street. She screamed when she looked in and saw what was there. A small child no older than four years old was sitting next to her mother, chewing. Blood dripped from her chin and fingers as she swallowed and bent down to take another chunk of her mother's flesh into her mouth. She looked at Mina with dead, sleep-deprived eyes.

Mina had to puke. When soldiers came running, all she could do was point. When they looked, everyone seemed to be disgusted, horrified or shocked.

"What should we do with her?" one man questioned.

The child looked at them and stood. She ran up to the soldiers and held out her arms, letting a whimper escape her lips. Everyone seemed uneasy with being so close to her. In this world, cannibalism was the unforgivable sin. Mina stopped and thought though. That was probably the only food source the poor thing could get to. Finally, one woman picked her up and wiped off her face. The child hugged the woman tightly and started crying. She had likely seen unimaginable horrors. The woman, likely a mother, consoled her. After a while, the little girl finally calmed down enough for her to be passed off to Mina. She struggled and whined for a little while, but she soon relaxed.

"Take her to a town, give her some money and drop her off."

"What about an orphanage?" Mina asked.

"Full. All of them. Even in Sina. She'll have a better chance of surviving if she's on her own. Maybe someone will take her in. Dismissed."

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own SnK/AoT. I wish I did though. I could pay for college that way!


	2. Chapter 2

**Loki: 5**

**Erwin: 10**

* * *

><p>A little girl snuck into the marketplace on the main road with every intention of not leaving empty handed. Her clothes were tattered and ragged and falling off of her shoulders. Her face was dirty and pale, and her hair was tangled around her bony cheeks. The little girl was small for her age likely due to malnutrition. The people who she pushed past seemed disgusted by her, but she didn't mind. She hardly noticed it anymore just like she hardly noticed the pain in her feet from stepping on those nails many weeks ago and made her toes get puss –filled holes in them.<p>

For a while, she just observed the market. That was rule number one: observe the target. When she found a pattern, she crept behind a booth where a vendor was selling freshly baked bread. Just the smell was enough to make her stomach start to cramp again. Her mouth watered as she grabbed a piece that had fallen into the dirt and devoured it. She lay there waiting until the vendor had her back turned. When she was positive no one was around, she grabbed half of a loaf and made a run for it.

"Thief!"

"I'll get them," she heard someone say confidently.

"Erwin! Stop!"

Petrified, the little girl ran faster but not fast enough. Her chaser was faster than her. Probably bigger too, though that wasn't much of an accomplishment. She felt herself tackled to the ground viciously by something really heavy. She refrained from hissing at the pain in her now flayed arms and tried to scramble to her feet, only to be pushed down again. She slowly looked up at who had caught her from behind her scraggly hair. It was a boy with big blue eyes and blonde hair. Man, those eyebrows were huge.

When he saw her, his gaze softened. "You…you're a girl," he said, surprised.

Apparently, girls weren't normally pegged as thieves. Big surprise. Her bread was on the ground, and the boy picked it up. Right on cue, her stomach grumbled and her eyes hardened into a glare. It was just like those others who lived in the alleyway. They always stole her food because she was little and couldn't fight as well as them. Meanies. He was probably no better.

"You're hungry," the boy said. He held out a hand for her and softly smiled. "I'm Erwin. What's your name?"

The girl stood up herself and didn't respond.

He seemed surprised; she took that as a chance to get away, leaving her bread behind. Maybe she could get one of the older people to give her some food. She could fish through trash if pickings got slim. If those people with horses on their backs caught her though, they'd cut her hand off for trying to steal. As soon as she thought it though, one of them did show up. The woman grabbed her by the back of her neck and started yelling at her. The girl squirmed in her grasp, trying to get her to let go. Then a man was coming from the growing crowd of watchers. He looked like that kid with the big eyebrows only wrinklier and with glasses.

"I'll take it from here, officer," he said. "Johannes Smith. I'll just pay for the bread, and we'll be on our way. No harm-" He was cut off by the actions taken by the girl.

She bent under the lady's arm and punched her in the stomach then lifted her head up to butt her in the head when she doubled over. She learned that from watching the Military Police train in the mornings while waiting for the breakfast trash to be taken out. The lady let go! The girl retrieved her freedom and ran for it. She ran towards where the bread was, but the lady was right behind her again. Damn her short stature and tiny legs!

The lady grabbed her wrist as the little girl was knelt down to pick her food up. "That's it!" she snapped as she pulled the girl over to a booth, pinning her arm down with one of her own. She snatched a butcher knife from one of the booths and aimed at the girl's wrist.

"Wait!" Mr. Big-Eyebrows yelled. "She's just a hungry child. If you must punish her, at least don't take the whole hand. You'll be handicapping her for life."

The girl screamed as the knife suddenly fell. She looked and saw that her pointer and middle finger were gone. She started fighting as hard as she could when she saw the blood. Something in her got a weird feeling around blood, and she tried to avoid it. Then the lady grabbed her other hand. The child bucked and snarled up until the lady took the same two fingers from the other hand. The lady threw her on the ground and started walking away. The girl stared at her fingers shakily before standing and running at the woman, but Mr. Big-Eyebrows caught her before she could get to her. The girl was kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs.

"We just want to help you. Are you hungry?"

The girl froze and looked back at Mr. Big-Eyebrows warily. After a brief silence, she nodded.

"Will you come with us then?"

The girl looked at him and then at Less-Big-Eyebrows before answering with another hesitant nod.

"Good, then. Erwin, go get Dr. Anghelescu."

The girl allowed herself to be carried as Mr. Big-Eyebrows held her with the groceries hanging from one hand. He told her to keep her hands above her head to help with the blood. The girl didn't need to be told twice. As he walked, she realized she hadn't remembered ever doing this before. It was like flying. She couldn't help but giggle to herself as the man tossed her up slightly to get a better grip on her. Her stomach did a flip. When they got to the house, another man was there to greet them. He had a big black bag with him, and Less-Big-Eyebrows was there too. They walked in, and the girl thought she was in a castle. It was so big! Way bigger than the trash bin she slept in. She was put down on a table, and the man with the bag came up to her.

She didn't want him near her, so she growled at him. He stared at her for a moment, but he continued to come closer. When that didn't work, she started screaming. The doctor didn't seem fazed as he sat in front of her and started looking through his bag. He pulled a bright orange circle and offered it to her.

"Take it. It's candy. To eat."

As soon as the word "eat" was out of his mouth, the girl snatched the candy up out of his hand and stuck it in her mouth. There was a burst of flavor as soon as it touched her tongue and she grinned. If he gave her food, he couldn't be that bad of a person. Especially when the food tasted so good.

"That's better," the man said with a gentle smile. "My name is Dr. Anghelescu. You can just call me Dr. Angel. May I ask your name?"

The girl didn't answer.

He sighed. "Yes, they said you didn't talk."

"Maybe she's just not that smart," Less-Big-Eyebrows said.

"Am too smart!" she snapped. "My name is Loki!"

The doctor grinned. "Oh, good. I'd like to ask you some questions, Loki. If you'll answer them," he said.

Loki gazed suspiciously at the three people. "Okay…do I get more food?"

"Of course. Have you ever seen a doctor?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"How long have you been living on the street?" he asked.

"Forever."

"Do you know where your parents are?"

Blood. Blood everywhere. Loki put her hands over her eyes and screamed as something flashed through her mind. Something horrible. She flailed and screamed and kicked until she fell off the table and hit her head. Then everything got blurry and she got sleepy. Maybe it was time for a little nap.

* * *

><p>There she was standing in a familiar street in the dead of night. The moon was shining above with clouds rolling by at a speed that was a little too fast to be normal. Everything was in black and white; everything, that is, besides the ruby color of blood smeared against the buildings and streets. Loki let out a scream as she witnessed the ease at which the lady in black killed. Her blaster shot through three men's throats. Each one of those men wore a necklace with a weird face and each one fell to the ground, but the amount of blood that fell was even more terrifying.<p>

The ground was littered with dead bodies and small rivers of dark red blood, and Loki made her way through it all, following the lady as if she were connected to her by some invisible, unbreakable strand of thread. No! She didn't want to see this! She didn't want to hear the voices crying out for mercy! And then all was quiet and clean; every horror from before completely gone. She was at another street that was oddly familiar. As he continued to walk, she could hear the sound of herself stepping in something a bit thicker than water.

_Plop, plop, plop._

She dared to look down and immediately found herself standing in a pool of crimson blood coming from a woman at a table. It had chunks of stuff in it. Loki thought she was going to throw up. More blood sprayed over her from a man praying to a funny looking statue. The statue was picked up by someone: the lady in black. Loki watched as she started banging it on the ground. It was so loud.

* * *

><p>Loki woke up on a bed. That doctor man was looking at her fingers. They were completely gone, and there was no blood anymore. There was a black line though. She reached to touch it, but Mr. Big-Eyebrows stopped her, telling her they would hurt if she touched them. The doctor moved to her feet, and she saw that the three toes on her right foot with the holes in them where missing. She whined and used her ring finger to point at them.<p>

"They were infected. The doctor had to do it."

"Here." Less-Big-Eyebrows offered her a chunk of bread.

Loki grinned and snatched it from him with both hands before devouring it. When she was done, she grinned at him. "Thanks…Erwin."

"So what's wrong with her?" Mr. Big-Eyebrows asked, concerned.

The doctor frowned. "I'm a doctor, not a therapist, but if I had to guess, some kind of post trauma disorder. Are you planning on letting her stay here?"

"I certainly can't let her go back out on the streets."

"Just let her think you're her family and the memories should just slip away in time."

"Wouldn't that do more harm than good?"

"Her mind seems to be in the process of repressing whatever happened. It'd probably be better for her if you just let her think it never happened."

The two adults left the room, but Erwin stayed behind. He sat on the bed beside her and watched as she inhaled the bread. She couldn't help that it tasted so good. It practically melted on her tongue. "After you fell, we took you in here. Dad said you could stay here and live with us."

"Really?"

"If you want to. How old are you?"

"Uh...somebody said I was a hand."

"So that means you're five. I'm two hands. That's ten."

"Woah," Loki stared in awe. This kid was smart.

"Since you're staying here, that makes us brother and sister."

Loki grinned. "Okay."

"I'm your older brother which makes you my baby sister."

"I'm not a baby!" she yelled. "I can't help that I'm short!"

"Alright, alright, you're my younger sister. Is that better?"

Loki nodded and ate the last bits of the bread.

* * *

><p><strong>At the beginning of the chapters, I'll be putting down Loki and Erwin's ages. If there is no age posted, then they're the same age as previously posted.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

Loki quit running from them after the third time they ganged up on her. It wasn't worth wasting the energy, and she'd just get beat up even worse than if she were submissive. She learned from living on the streets to conserve energy when fighting so you could manage to walk away. Then again, she couldn't have Erwin finding out about this again. Last time he and dad both gave her a stern talking to about calling for help. Like that would do anything. As soon as she realized they were coming, she started walking from her playing ground next to the riverway as fast as she could towards the house without them noticing she was trying to get away. She was dumb, but they were much dumber.

They caught up to her, like they always did every single time, and knocked her down onto her knees. She skidded on the ground, ripping her knees and palms open. She looked at the blood on one of her hands in awe. To think...her body was filled with this thick, red, beautiful fluid. She didn't know when blood stopped scaring her or when it became so fascinating. It happened sometime in the first few months of staying with the Smiths. Now, she'd been there for seven months.

Six of them surrounded her, pulling her out of her thoughts and back to reality where she'd rather not have been. She tended to zone out when she saw blood...always. She never understood why. There were far more of the kids than normal: Sybil and Bene, Jousef, Kitty, Sadie and Alexandre. Usually it was only three, but apparently today was her lucky day. She should've run.

"What'cha up to, stray?" Sybil spoke first. The others laughed. "Still trying to learn how to use a fork?"

"Betcha she eats with her feet."

"How could she? She doesn't have toes!"

"Just hurry up and hit me," Loki glared at them.

"Alright then, but first, count to ten on your fingers."

Loki's eyes hardened and she locked her jaw as she glared at each of them. Fuck them. That's right, she said a bad word. She learned it when she lived next to the guy with an umbrella handle for a hand. Fuck them and their privileged lives. Though…she really did pity their shallow-mindedness though. They were idiots who would never get far in life until they keeled over and died a boring, pointless death. She couldn't wait. She and Erwin though...they would get way further. Loki would make sure of it.

"Hey!" Sybil rammed her elbow into the side of her head that sent her sprawling. "Don't ignore her, fucking brat!"

The others took that as their cue to join in. "Yeah, you shit! Do it!" they shouted, pushing her over and kicking her.

The burst of violence stopped as quickly as it started. Bene grabbed her by the hair and hauled her to her feet. "Go on, here's your chance."

Loki spit in his fat face. "I hope you become titan shit."

Bene drove a fist into her gut. "That wasn't nice. Don't you know what titans do?"

"Bet she's too stupid," Sybil grinned. "But we can teach her, right?"

"You wanna know why no one likes titans?"

"I already know, dumbass."

* * *

><p>Loki jolted when she heard screams intermingled with sobs. She opened her eyes and searched the room frantically. She wasn't at home; she was in some weird building sitting in daddy's lap. She remembered then. Erwin woke her up early and got her dressed in itchy black clothes for something called a funeral. She felt daddy's hand cradle her head as she lay back down against his chest, but something was wrong. Everyone was crying. Even Erwin and daddy were upset even though they didn't cry.<p>

Loki frowned and wriggled her way in between Erwin and her daddy, grabbing Erwin's hand. "What's going on?"

"This is the funeral. We're honoring someone who died."

"What's died?" she whispered.

"When something stops waking up forever."

"How?"

"It just happens. There are lots of ways."

"How did they die?" Loki pointed to the wood box with the dead person in it. Well…half a dead person.

"They were eaten...by Titans."

"Titans?"

"They're giant monsters that eat people. They can't get inside though because of huge Walls."

"Then how did he get eaten?"

"He was in the Survey Corps. They go out and fight and study titans. A lot of people die when they go into that part of the military."

"Oh," Loki stared at her feet. She was wearing shoes because Erwin said she had to. She hated shoes.

Loki crawled back into her daddy's lap and curled up against his chest. She was still holding Erwin's hand though. She didn't want him to be sad like everyone else.

* * *

><p>Hands grabbed at her and Loki twisted away, an instinctual flinch that achieved absolutely nothing. They tore her threadbare dress as they pinned her to the wall, making the neck of it tear slightly. She snarled at them incoherently as her bare toes barely scraped at the harsh ground. Then they started kicking her again.<p>

"What the hell?!"

Loki's eyes widened. It was Erwin. He was running up with a glare as they continued spitting at her and punching her and kicking her. He had left his books on the side of the street and was coming over to help her. She tried to tell him without saying anything aloud to stay away; she didn't want him getting hurt. When he grabbed onto Bene's shoulder, Bene turned and punched Erwin in the jaw. Everything in Loki became alive like a spring-loaded bear trap.

She screamed and charged, grabbing the boy's hand and biting down on his thumb as hard as she could. She started to grind and twist her teeth as soon as she tasted blood. There were hands trying to pull her away, and something was beating against her skull. When she felt her teeth sink between the joint, she pulled. She heard tendons and muscle snap as blood squirted across her face.

She grinned and spit out the appendage while Bene cried and screamed. "That's what Titan's do."

After becoming fifty shades paler, the group ran off, including Bene. Everyone was gone except for Erwin. He just stared at the finger oozing blood onto the hot ground. Then he looked up at Loki's manic, grinning face.

"Let's get going before they come back," he said, taking her hand.

They dodged through the alleys and hid behind trash bins just to make sure they wouldn't get caught. Just then, there was a shout from around the corner. Apparently those kids recovered and recruited a few adults to boot. Loki's head jerked around at the sound.

"Get down!" she hissed.

* * *

><p>When Erwin and Loki finally got home, he took in Loki's face. Her left eye was swollen and looking worse with each minute they sat there. Her nose was bleeding, dripping onto her dress. Erwin grabbed a rag from the kitchen and pinched it over her nose. She gave a yelp of protest as he bent her forward but complied when he told her to stay there and stay still.<p>

"I don't need your help," she grumbled.

"Apparently you do. What were you doing just standing there anyway? I thought you told Dad they weren't bugging you anymore."

"This time was different."

"How?"

"Before they called me ugly. Today, they said I was a stray. That's different."

Erwin rolled his eyes.

It was true though; Loki did look a lot different from most kids. She was missing fingers and toes, she had a big, blob of a purple birthmark that stretched from her neck to her temple on the right side and she was smaller than what was considered healthy for a girl her age. Plus, she didn't look a lot like himself or their dad. She had thick reddish brown hair that only looked red on a sunny day and gold eyes that always looked drowsy. He wouldn't call her a stray though.

"Why weren't you fighting back?"

"I was saving my energy so I could get away when they got tired."

"That could've taken hours."

"Yeah," Loki said, blowing gooey blood and snot into the rag. "I wasn't thinking."

"Why'd you bite off Bene's finger?"

"He hit you. I don't care if people hurt me, but you're different. You shouldn't have to deal with that."

"But I'm your older brother. It's my job to protect you."

"Says who?"

Erwin felt Loki tense when the door opened and closed. Dad was home. She knew she'd have to explain how she lied the first time about those kids picking on her. Erwin listened to his father's heavy footsteps as he cleaned up Loki's bloody arm and lip with a wet cloth and some cooking alcohol when he heard their Dad stop in the doorway.

"Loki? What happened to you?"

"Bullies. Don't worry though, brother saved me after I bit a kid's finger off."

Erwin winced. She didn't really have to give their father that much information. It wasn't like he was asking for an extended response like at school. Loki was smiling though, and she and Erwin both knew their father couldn't resist her smile. He just hoped he didn't get in trouble too.

"Both of you, in my office."

So much for being off the hook.

Loki grinned and jumped off the chair, still holding the rag to her nose. She grabbed Erwin's hand with her free one and started dragging him to the dreaded study. Every time they got to go in there, it was for something bad. She plopped onto the couch against the wall and pulled Erwin next to her, still keeping that idiotic grin on her face.

"Why are you smiling?" Erwin hissed. "We're getting in trouble, you know."

"But we're doing it together."


	4. Chapter 4

Loki let Erwin lead her out of town to a meadow with green grass and trees. It looked like it would be a good place to roll around and get dirty and make grass angels. She wasn't too keen on the reason he was dragging her out there though. For months, he'd been trying to teach her to read, but Loki didn't want to. If she learned to read then Erwin and daddy wouldn't read to her anymore. Then she wouldn't get to snuggle with daddy during bedtime stories, and Erwin wouldn't let her cuddle up close so she could see all the pictures while he read to her in that exasperated tone she loved so much. She wasn't stupid. She knew a bad deal when she saw one. Besides, why would she need to learn to read if she was going to live with Erwin forever? After all, they were obviously going to get married. Duh.

"Erwin! I don't wanna read! Can't we just play?" Loki whined as she tried to dig her feet into the moist dirt.

"Come on, Loki. It'll be fun," Erwin said as he dragged her over to a tree. It looked like it would be fun to climb, but no. They couldn't do that because Loki had to read. Erwin sat and opened his book and patted the space next to him.

Loki crossed her arms over her chest and huffed as she sat beside him, making sure to get close enough that she could see the pictures and stay warm.

"Can you read the title?" he asked.

"I only know one word."

"Which one is that?"

"And."

"That's it? Can't you sound it out?"

Loki huffed and rolled her eyes. She was already tired of this. "Brr...uhh...th...er. Brother and...sssisss...tur. Sister?"

"Good. I'll read most of it, but you have to read whatever the sister says."

Loki nodded, already enraptured at the fact that the story was about a brother and sister like her and Erwin. She pointed at the picture of a tawny animal with big ears, four legs and white spots all along its back. It was so pretty. "What's that?" she asked, reaching over him to point at it.

"That's a baby deer. It's called a fawn. It actually has-"

"Okay, okay, start the story."

Erwin whacked her hand away and opened the book. The first picture was of a boy and girl standing outside in a forest. "Little brother took his little sister by the hand and said, 'Since our mother died we have been miserable. Our stepmother beats us and whenever we come near her she kicks us. Hard leftover crusts of bread are our food. Come, let us run away together.' They walked the whole day over meadows, fields, and stones. And when it rained the little sister said..."

Loki was too busy staring at a squirrel that was digging around to her left. She wondered what that would taste like.

"Loki...your turn."

"Oar...hare…ts…are…cr…ying...to...get her."

"It's 'our hearts are crying together!'"

"Keep going."

Erwin sighed. "In the evening they came to a large forest, and they were so tired that they climbed into a hollow tree and fell asleep. The next day when they awoke the sun was already high in the sky. The brother said, 'Sister, I am thirsty. If I knew of a little spring I would get a drink. I think I hear one.' The brother got up and took his sister by the hand to try to find the spring.

"Now the wicked stepmother was a Titan, and she noticed the two children had gone away, and secretly crept after them, and she bewitched all the springs in the woods."

Loki gasped, but then she realized something. "Hey, wait a second! You said titans can't talk! And they're not girls either. How did she get into the Walls?"

"Loki, it's a story. It's just a story to scare kids into not wanting to go outside the walls."

"Oh…why?"

"Because…" He looked around before inching in close. "Because they want to control us."

Well, Loki had just lost interest. She wanted to finish the story and get home before daddy finished the stew so she could help cut vegetables and sneak a few as a snack. "Story now."

"They found a spring, glistening as it ran over the stones. The brother was about to drink from it, but his sister heard how its rushing sound said, 'Whoever drinks from me will become a bear.'

"Then the sister cried out... "

"Brother...do not…dr…eyenk…frohm…that spreyeng...or...I can't say that part."

"That's: 'Brother, do not drink from that spring or you'll become a wild animal and eat me," he corrected. "The brother did not drink, although he was thirsty, but said, 'I will wait for the next spring.'

"When they came to the next spring the sister heard it say 'Whoever drinks from me will become a wolf.' And the sister stopped him.

"The brother did not drink, and said, 'I will wait until we come to the next spring, but then I must drink, say what you will, for I am very thirsty.'

"When they came to the third spring the sister heard how its rushing sound said, 'Whoever drinks from me will become a deer.' The sister said..."

"Oh, my turn. 'Brother, do not...or you will…be cohme a...deer...and… leave…me."

"Good job, you're doing better. But the brother had already knelt down by the spring, leaned over, and drunk from the water. As soon as the first drops touched his lips he lay there in the form of a young deer. Now the sister cried over her poor brother, and the deer cried also, sitting sadly next to her.

"Finally the girl said..."

"Erwin! We'll never finish if I have to read all the sister parts! You said I did good! Can't you finish it? Please."

"Fine, fine, I'll finish. 'Be quiet, my sweet little deer. I will never, never leave you.'"

"Awww," Loki cooed as she touched the picture. "Erwin, I'll never leave you."

Erwin blushed but continued reading. "S-She took off her golden necklace and put it around the deer's neck. Then she found some vines and wove them into a soft cord. This she tied to the little animal and led it onward, walking deeper and deeper into the woods. After they had walked a long, long way they finally came to a little house. The girl looked in, and because it was empty, she thought, 'We can stay here.'

"She found leaves and moss to make a soft bed for the deer. Every morning she went out and gathered roots, berries, and nuts for herself, and brought tender grass for the little deer, who ate out of her hand, and was contented and played with her. In the evening, when the sister was tired, she laid her head on the deer's back for a pillow, and fell asleep. For some time it was like this. Then it happened that the king held a great hunt in these woods. The blasts of the horns, the barking of the dogs, and the merry shouts of the huntsmen sounded through the trees. The little deer heard this and wanted ever so much to see them.

"'Oh,' he said to his sister. 'Let me go and join the hunt. I cannot resist.' He begged so long that she finally agreed."

"Wait! It talks?! Deers can't talk!"

"It's just a story, Loki."

"But-"

"Do you want me to finish?"

Loki huffed and scowled. "Yes."

"'But,' she said she to him. 'Come back to me in the evening. I must lock the door to keep the huntsmen out. To let me know that it's you, knock and say, 'My little sister, let me in.'

"Then the young deer left. He felt so good and was so happy to be in the open air. The king saw the beautiful animal and started after him, but they could not catch him. When it was dark he ran to the little house, knocked, and said, 'My little sister, let me in.'

"She opened the door for him, and he jumped inside and rested on his soft bed. The next day the hunt began anew, and when the little deer again heard the hunting horn, he could not resist, but said, 'Sister, open the door for me. I must be off.'

"His sister opened the door for him, saying, 'But this evening you must be here again and say the password.'

"When the king saw the young deer with his golden collar,they all chased him, but he was too fast. As evening fell, the huntsmen surrounded him, and one of them wounded him, causing him to limp. Slowly, he ran away. A huntsman crept after him to the little house and heard how he called out, and saw that someone opened the door for him, and then immediately shut it. The huntsman took notice then went to the king and told him what he had seen.

"Then the king said, 'Tomorrow we will continue with our hunt.'

"The little sister was terribly frightened when she saw that her young deer was wounded. She washed the blood off him, applied herbs, and said, 'Go to bed, my sweet deer, so that you will get well again.'

"But the wound was so slight that the next morning the deer no longer felt it. And when he again heard the merry sound of the hunt outside, he said, 'I cannot resist it. I must be there. They'll never get me.'

"Crying, the sister said, 'This time they will kill you, and I will be alone, forsaken by the whole world. I will not let you out.'

"'Then I will die here from grief.'

"Then the sister could not help herself, and with a heavy heart she unlocked the door. The deer vigorously and joyfully bounded off into the woods. When the king saw him he said to his huntsmen, 'Chase after him, but take care that no one does him harm.'

"As soon as the sun had set the king said to the huntsman, 'Now come and show me the little house in the woods.' When he came to the door he knocked and called out, 'Dear little sister, let me in.'

"The door opened, and the king walked in, and there stood a girl who was more beautiful than any girl he had ever seen. The girl was frightened when she saw that it was not her deer, but a man wearing a golden crown. However, the king looked kindly at her, reached out his hand to her, and said, 'Will you go with me to my castle and be my wife?'

"'Oh, yes,' answered the girl. 'But the little deer must go with me. I cannot leave him.'"

"Wait, wait, wait," Loki snapped. "She just said yes. Just like that? That's stupid."

"Loki, quiet. The king said, 'He shall stay with you as long as you live.' Just then he came bounding in, and the sister again tied him to the cord of rushes. She herself took hold of it and walked out of the little house with him.

"The king lifted the beautiful girl onto his horse and took her to his castle within the innermost wall, where their wedding was held. She was now the queen, and they lived happily for a long time. The deer was cared for and cherished, and ran about in the castle garden.

"Now the wicked stepmother heard that they were happy and well off, envy and hatred filled her heart, leaving her no peace. Her only thoughts were how she could bring about their downfall. Her own Titan daughter, who was ugly as night and had only one eye, complained to her, saying, 'I am the one who should have become queen.'

"'Just be quiet,' answered the old woman, then comforted her by saying, 'When the time comes I shall be at hand.'

"As time went by the queen brought a handsome little boy into the world. It happened at a time when the king was out hunting. Then the Titan took the form of the chambermaid, went into the room where the queen was lying and said to her, 'Come, your bath is ready. It will do you good and give you fresh strength. Hurry, before it gets cold.'

"The Titan daughter was also nearby. They carried the queen into the bathroom and put her into the tub. Then they locked the door shut and ran away. Now they had made a fire of such hellish heat in the bathroom that the beautiful young queen suffocated. When this was done the Titan took her daughter, put a nightcap on her head, and laid her in the queen's bed. Furthermore, she gave her the form and appearance of the queen, but she could not replace the missing eye. So the king would not notice, Titan daughter was to lie on the side where she had no eye.

"In the evening when the king came home and heard that he had a son he was delighted. He was about to go to his wife's bed to see how she was, when the Titan quickly called out, 'You must leave the curtains closed. The queen is not yet permitted to look into the light, and she must have rest.'

"The king went away, not knowing a false queen was lying in her bed. At midnight when everyone was asleep, the nurse who was sitting in the nursery by the cradle, and who was the only one still awake, saw the door open and the true queen walk in. She took the child from the cradle, laid him on her arm, and fed him. Then she fluffed his pillow, laid him back down, and covered him with his little quilt. And she did not forget the deer, but went to the corner where he was lying and stroked his back. Then she went back out through the door without saying a word. In this manner she came many nights, never speaking a word. The nurse saw her every time, but she did not dare to tell anyone. After some time had passed, the queen began to speak, saying, 'How is my child? How is my deer? I shall come two more times, then never again.'

"The nurse did not answer her, but when the queen had disappeared, she went to the king and told him everything.

"The king said, 'Good heaven, what is this? Tomorrow night I will keep watch by the child.'

"That evening he went into the nursery, and at midnight the queen appeared and said, 'How is my child? How is my deer? I shall come one more time, then never again.' She fed the child and then disappeared," Erwin paused. "Loki, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"I-It's sad. She died and…can't be with her brother."

"What about the king?"

"Fuck him."

"Hey, language. The king did not dare speak to her, but on the following night he kept watch again. Once again she said, 'How is my child? How is my deer? I come this one time, then never again.'

"Now the king could not restrain himself. He jumped towards her, saying, 'You can only be my dear wife.'

"She answered, 'Yes,' and in that moment, she came back to life, fresh, vibrant, and healthy.

"She told the king about the crime that the Titan and her daughter committed against her. The king ordered both to be brought before the court, and a judgment was pronounced against them. They were led into the woods where they were killed by the knights by chopping their necks off. And they burned to ashes. As soon as it came to pass, the deer was transformed, and he received his human form again. And the sister and the brother lived happily together until they died."

Loki sniffled, whipped her eyes and smiled and hugged Erwin. "You're my deer, and I'm going to kick the king's ass if he tries to take you away."

"Loki, language. You remember what happened last time dad heard you saying that stuff."

Oh, Loki remembered. She couldn't sit down for a few days after the spankings she got for cussing while arguing with Erwin.

"Erwin, you're my deer. Am I your deer?"

"Uhm, sure."

"Will you keep me safe from the Titans?"

"Of course I will."

Loki grinned and started running back to town. "Come on, deer. I wanna sneak some veggies before dinner."

* * *

><p>A mop of ruddy brown hair, ruffled in disarray, peeked out from underneath thick covers tangled about splayed limbs. An arm stretched outwards, joining a small foot in the search for a cool spot on the bed. Shoulders rose in a hitched breath from under the blankets, and the little girl abruptly turned onto her side, tangling the sheets further. Her eyebrows scrunched together, and a grimace tugged at her mouth, making her upper lip curl. The lightest dusting of freckles peppered the bridge of her nose and cheeks, nearly invisible were it not for the pale hue of her skin. Gold eyes danced beneath closed lids in a frenzy, and a muffled noise of distress escaped the girl's throat.<p>

She tossed again, face burying itself in the sheets, far from where her pillows and doll rested. Fingers clenched around the blankets briefly before her legs kicked them entirely off the edge of the mattress. She shuddered, limbs jerking unconsciously as she was pulled further into the darkness of her nightmare. Then she gasped, sitting upright in her bed, eyes darting about wildly. Her heart thudded painfully against her ribs, shoulders rising and falling in panicked breaths as she fought against the last dregs of terror that remained. Loki shuddered, scrambling out of the large bed and onto the floor.

There was a tiny knock at the door, and that's all the warning Loki gave before she dashed into the room, nearly tripping over a pile of Erwin's clothes, and flopped onto the bed like a dying fish and scuttled under the blankets. Erwin was asleep. She wasted no time pressing herself against him. The movement was enough to wake Erwin from his slumber, and he groaned something incoherent before actually coming to. Loki pulled back only for a short time to let Erwin turn around and wrap his arms around her. Erwin gave a content sigh, rubbing Loki's back and letting their legs intertwine.

Loki was scared of a lot of things, but she'd never admit it. She would only let Erwin, and sometimes daddy see her fear. One of the things she was afraid of was titans, especially after that story Erwin read earlier in the day. After the nightmare she just had, she didn't want to sleep alone. Then again, she always had nightmares when she slept alone. Maybe she could talk Erwin into letting her sleep with him every night.

"What is it this time?" Erwin asked tiredly, still rubbing small circles into Loki's back.

Loki didn't respond at first. "Nightmare." Loki mumbled, nuzzling her head into the nape of Erwin's neck.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

Loki let out the tiniest whimper and shook her head.

"Alright. Go back to sleep."

Loki shut her eyes and only burrowed further into her brother's chest, partially scared that the dream was real and he was being eaten by titans while she was forced to watch. When she did fall asleep though, she didn't dream. She slept soundly knowing Erwin was okay.

* * *

><p><strong>The story I used was a slightly edited version of "Brother and Sister" by the Grimm brothers<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

It was cloudy on the day of Dad's funeral, like the clouds were just waiting for Erwin to cry so they could hide his tears. Erwin wouldn't cry out in the open when people could see him. Loki had been crying ever since Erwin woke her up that morning. She'd been crying since she found out their dad was gone. She felt abandoned. He promised to always be there for her, and now he was gone. He seemed so strong to her, but in reality, he was just weak and fragile. She worried how she and Erwin would get by and wondered if Erwin would ask her to leave.

* * *

><p>Loki stared blankly at her father's body.<p>

Bones were broken, teeth were missing, there were cuts and bruises and...he was dead. There was hardly any part of his body that didn't have some sort on injury on it. Eyen his eyes were gouged and swollen shut. The waning sunlight reflected off his tan skin that was getting whiter by the minute. Erwin was kneeling beside their father while the Doctor spoke to the Military Police that came and got them. Erwin kept holding onto their dad's hand. Loki shook uncontrollably for a while after seeing her father, but all was still now. All was silent. Her breath was coming in ragged pants and she tried to control herself. Finally, she managed to calm enough to be rational.

"Erwin?" she questioned, stepping forward on wobbly legs. She was going to pass out.

Erwin just stared at the body, unable to even sum up an action or emotion, no words came and neither did a reaction.

"Erwin, we need to get home."

"My fault," he muttered to himself. "It's my fault."

"Hey," the Doctor bent and rubbed Erwin's shoulder. Loki just stood to the side, feeling like the outsider. "You couldn't know that. Let's get you up out of the dirt and fill your bellies with something warm."

Erwin flinched away. "No don't touch me," he muttered hoarsely.

Loki walked up to him and tugged on his sleeve. "Erwin...I want to go home. Please? I'm scared," she whimpered.

Erwin finally let the hand of their father drop and stood slowly. Erwin turned to her with steely eyes, his breath coming in pulling gasps and his body shaking like there was an earthquake coming from within. Loki shrunk away from him and watched as he marched past her. He started heading to Dr. Angel's home, expecting Loki and the doctor to catch up. Loki's eyes watered. Was he leaving her behind too then?

"Don't worry about him, Loki. He's just shaken up by this."

Loki nodded to the doctor and lifted her arms up as a request to be held. He picked her up, and Loki looked over his shoulder at the body. The Military Police were standing there while an undertaker was hefting Daddy's body into a cart. She clenched her eyes shut and buried her face in the doctor's shoulder.

* * *

><p>Loki looked around as Erwin gave their father's eulogy.<p>

The heads of the attendees were bowed respectfully for the old teacher that taught half the town. Her eyes honed in on two Military Police officials who did not look sincere in the least. How dare they show their fucking faces, especially since they were the ones that covered up his murder. Loki and Erwin weren't as dumb as they looked. She already had a distrust of the Military Police after they hacked off her fingers just because she was hungry. Now, she was ready to rip them to pieces or blow them to smithereens. She tried too, but Erwin stopped her and told her to quit being so damn childish. Those were his exact words too.

The people were staring at her. They knew she wasn't really part of the Smith family. They knew she was just a stray they picked up off the street in an act of charity. They also thought that when the patriarch of the family passed, she'd leave. None of them knew she was extremely attached to her adoptive brother and father. She was in love as soon as they brought her in and told her she was family. Now, there was an empty spot in her heart, and Erwin was slowly drifting away from her. She tried to show him she loved him, but he only isolated himself further. While burying her father, she was also burying the old, fun, playful Erwin.

When Erwin sat beside her after he was done, Loki reached out to hold his hand, but he brushed her off. Loki reacted to this as if she'd been burned, jumping away from him and clutching the hand he swiped away. Maybe Erwin expected her to leave too. Maybe this was his way of cutting off all of their ties. But surely he wouldn't be so callous. He was her big brother. They were going to get married someday and live in a cottage so he could be her deer and she could be his princess.

Then the rain started.

Why did it always rain during funerals? One old woman said it was because the sky was crying because humanity lost another soul. Loki didn't believe that. Skies had no emotion. The sky couldn't cherish a memory and keep them alive through it. Loki felt like the sky sometimes: harsh and malevolent and above it all, but not today. Today she felt like dirt: low and lacking life. She felt trampled and lonely. She wanted someone to hug her, but no one would. All they would do was stare and scorn her. Loki really was just an outsider.

* * *

><p>Loki sat curled up in bed waiting for Daddy to come tuck her in and read to her. Erwin was already asleep on the other side of the bed. Since Loki had frequent nightmares, she'd permanently moved into his room and his bed. Loki smiled and wriggled around in her spot when Daddy came with the thick storybook. It always had the best stories.<p>

"Alright, Loki. You ready?"

Loki nodded eagerly.

"Alright, a miller fell into poverty, until he had nothing more than his mill and an apple tree. Since there was no wood inside the walls, he ventured into the outside world. There, he was approached by an old man whom he had never seen before, and who said, 'Why do you torment yourself with chopping wood? I will make you rich if you will promise me that which is standing behind your mill.'

"The miller said yes and signed it over to the strange man. The man, however, laughed and said, 'I will come in three years and get what belongs to me,' then went away.

"When he arrived home, his wife came to him and said, 'Husband, where did all the wealth come from? I don't know where it came from.'

"He answered, 'It comes from a strange man I met outside the walls who promised me great treasures if I would but sign over to him that which stands behind the mill.'

"'Oh, husband!' said the woman, terrified. 'That was a Titan. He didn't mean the apple tree, but our daughter, who was just then standing behind the mill.'"

Loki gasped and clutched her blankets to her chest.

"The miller's daughter was a beautiful and pious and lived the three years worshipping the Goddesses and remained without sin. When the time was up and the day came when the Titan was to get her, she washed herself clean and drew a circle around herself with chalk. It appeared very early in the morning but could not approach her.

"He spoke angrily to the miller, 'Keep water away from her, so she cannot wash herself. Otherwise I have no power over her. She's too pure.'

"The miller was frightened and did what he was told. The next morning the Titan returned, but she had wept into her hands, and they were entirely clean. Thus he still could not approach her, and he spoke angrily to the miller, 'Chop off her hands. Otherwise I cannot get to her.'

"The miller was horrified and answered, 'How could I chop off my own child's hands!'

"Then the Titan threatened him, 'If you do not do it, I will take you.'

"This frightened the father promised to obey. Then he went to the girl, 'My child, if I do not chop off your hands, the Titan will take me away, and in my fear I have promised to do this. Help me, and forgive me.'

"She answered, 'Dear father, do with me what you will. I am your child,' and with that she stretched forth both hands and let her father chop them off.

"The Titan came a third time, but she had wept onto the stumps, and they were entirely clean. Then he had to give up, for he had lost all claim to her.

"The miller spoke to her, 'I have gained great wealth through you. I shall take care of you in splendor as long as you live.'

"But she answered, 'I cannot remain here.'

"Then she set forth, walking the entire day. She came to a royal garden within Wall Sina, and by the light of the moon she saw that inside there were trees full of beautiful fruit. But she could not get inside, for it was surrounded by water.

"Having walked the entire day without eating a bite, she was suffering from hunger, and she thought, 'Oh, if only I were inside the garden so I could eat of those fruits'

"Then she kneeled down and, crying out to the Goddesses, she prayed. Suddenly the Goddess Sina appeared. She closed a head gate, so the moat dried up, and the girl could walk through. She entered the garden, and Sina went with her. She saw a fruit tree with beautiful pears, but they had all been counted. She stepped up to the tree and ate from it with her mouth. The gardener saw it, but because Sina was standing by her he was afraid. He said nothing and did not dare to call out. After she had eaten the pear she was full, and she went and lay down in the brush."

"This girl's stupid," Loki said, folding her arms over her chest.

Daddy's eyebrow shot up as he looked at her from over his glasses. "Now why do you say that?"

"You don't sleep where you steal. That's rule number six."

"Ah, ready to continue?"

Loki grinned and nodded.

"The king who owned this garden came the next morning. He counted the fruit and saw one of the pears was missing. He asked the gardener what had happened.

"The gardener answered, 'Last night a spirit came. It had no hands and ate one of the pears with its mouth.'

"The king asked, 'How did the spirit get across the water? And where did it go?'

"The gardener answered, 'One of the Goddesses came from heaven and closed the head gate so the spirit could walk through the moat. After the spirit had eaten the pear it went away.'

"The king said, 'If what you said is true, I will keep watch with you tonight.'

"After it was dark the king entered the garden, bringing a priest with him. All three sat under a tree and kept watch. At midnight the girl came creeping out of the brush, stepped up to the tree, and again ate a pear. The Goddess Rose was standing next to her.

"The priest walked up to them and said, 'Have you come from Heaven? Are you a spirit or a human?'

"She answered, 'I am a poor human who has been abandoned by everyone except God.'

"The king said, 'Even if you have been abandoned by the whole world, I will not abandon you.' He took her home with him, and because she was so beautiful he loved her with all his heart, had silver hands made for her, and took her as wife. After a year, the king had to go out into the battlefield, and he left the young queen in the care of his mother, saying, 'If she has a child, support her and take good care of her, and send me the news in a letter.'

"She gave birth to a son. The old mother quickly wrote this in a letter, giving the joyful news to the king. Now on the way the messenger stopped at a brook to rest. Tired from his long journey, he fell asleep. Then the Titan came to him. He still wanted the girl, and he took the letter, putting in its place one that stated that the queen had brought a Titan infant into the world.

"When the king read this letter he was frightened, but nevertheless he wrote an answer that they should take good care of the queen. The messenger returned with this letter, but he rested at the same place, and again fell asleep. The Titan came again and placed a different letter in his bag. This letter said that they should kill the queen and her child. The old mother was terribly frightened when she received this letter. She could not believe it, and wrote to the king again, but she got back the same answer, because each time the Titan substituted a false letter. And the last letter even stated that they should keep the queen's tongue and eyes as proof.

"The old mother lamented that such innocent blood was to be shed, and in the night she had a doe killed, cut out its tongue and eyes, and had them put aside. Then she said to the queen, 'I cannot have you killed, but you can no longer stay here. Go out into the wide world with your child, and never come back.'

"The old mother tied the queen's child onto her back, and the woman went away. She came to a great, wild forest where she got onto her knees and prayed. Then the Goddess Maria appeared to her and led her to a small house. On it was a small sign with the words, 'Here anyone can live free.'

"A snow-white priestess came from the house and said, 'Welcome, Queen,' then led her inside. She untied the small boy from her back and laid him in a beautiful made-up bed.

"Then the poor woman said, 'How did you know I am queen?'

'I am a priestess, sent by the Goddesses to take care of you and your child.'

"She stayed in this house for seven years, and was well taken care of. And through the grace of the Goddesses and her own piety her chopped-off hands grew back. The king finally came home from the battlefield, and the first thing he wanted to do was to see his wife and child.

"Then the old mother began to weep, saying, 'You wicked man, why did you write to me that I was to put two innocent souls to death,' and she showed him the two letters that the Titan counterfeited. Then she continued, 'I did what you ordered,' and showed him as proof the eyes and the tongue.

"Then the king began to weep for his poor wife and son until the old woman had mercy and said to him, 'Be satisfied that she is alive. I secretly told her to go out into the wide world, and she had to promise never to come back because you were so angry with her.'

"Then the king said, 'I will go as far as the sky is blue, and will neither eat nor drink until I have found my dear wife and child.'

"Then the king traveled about for seven years, searching in all the stone cliffs and caves, but he did not find her, and he thought that she had perished. He neither ate nor drank during the entire time, but the Goddesses kept him alive. Finally he came to a forest where he found a little house with a sign containing the words, 'Here anyone can live free.'

"The priestess came out, took him by the hand, led him inside, 'Welcome, King,' then she asked him where he had come from.

"He answered, 'I have been traveling for nearly seven years looking for my wife and child.'

"She offered him something to eat and drink, but he did not take it, wanting only to rest. He lay down to sleep, covering his face with a cloth. Then the angel went into the room where the queen was with her son, whom she normally called 'Filled-with-Grief.'"

"That's an awful name! What a stupid mom!"

"Shhh, your brother's trying to sleep."

"Oh," she whispered, looking over at the lump under the blankets that was her sibling. "Sorry."

"The priestess said to her, 'Go into the next room with your child. Your husband has come.'

"She went and the cloth fell from his face. Then she said, 'Filled-with-Grief, pick up the cloth for your father and put it over his face.'

"The child picked it up and put it over his face. The king heard this and let the cloth fall. Then the little boy grew impatient and said, 'Mumma, how can I cover my father's face? I have no father.'

"Hearing this, the king arose and asked who she was.

"She said, 'I am your wife, and this is your son Filled-with-Grief.'

"He saw her living hands and said, 'My wife had silver hands.'

"She answered, 'Our merciful Goddesses have caused my natural hands to grow back.'

"The priestess went into the other room, brought back the silver hands, and showed them to him. Now he saw for sure that it was his dear wife and child, and he kissed them, and rejoiced.

"Then the priestess gave them something to eat, and then they went back home. There was great joy everywhere, and the king and the queen conducted their wedding ceremony once again, and they lived happily until their blessed end."

Daddy shut the book as Loki rolled over and curled herself into her brother's back. She felt his whiskers as he kissed her forehead, and she giggled. He told her his "I love yous" and goodnights, and she did the same. As soon as he was gone, Loki looked at her hands. Maybe her fingers could grow back too someday. It didn't matter though. Her daddy and brother would always love her.

* * *

><p>Her hands fisted in the fabric of her black dress. The Doctor's wife helped her get ready that morning. She made Loki wear the tight itchy dress and pulled her hair up so tight that she had a headache from the tension. Maybe she did it on purpose. Maybe you were supposed to feel uncomfortable when you were at funerals. Everyone looked uncomfortable, including Erwin. He looked the most uncomfortable of all. All he was doing was staring at the casket. He was probably still blaming himself for what happened.<p>

The wind was picking up. A tear fell from Loki's cheek and stained the skirt of her dress. Her thoughts began racing. Why did he have to go? Why did he have to die? He didn't deserve to. He didn't deserve it. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. But nothing was fair, her mind rang out. Especially for her. The wind was picking up even more now. Like it was angry at the injustice.

Suddenly, she was being picked up by the Doctor and carried away. Loki was shaking horribly and stared at her brother's back as he watched the men pick up daddy's casket. They were putting him in the ground, being careful not to jostle him. Then they started burying him. Loki buried her face in the neck of the doctor and tried to stop thinking about how cramped it would be under all that dirt. It would be dark too. Her shaking was getting worse.

_Brother, don't leave me. Please. Not you too._


	6. Chapter 6

**Loki: 7**

**Erwin: 12**

* * *

><p>Loki could barely walk straight through the rainy streets after her talk with Erwin. He was enlisted in the military and would be leaving in the evening for training camp. It'd been a long time coming, but Loki had been in denial about it ever since their father. Erwin tried to keep her oblivious too. He pushed her away as much as possible, only hurting her more as the months went by. She'd been pushed as far away from this as he could get her. Out of harm's way. Out of knowing what was really going on and what he was up to. She wasn't stupid though. But how could she be expected to sit by when it affected the one she loved so deeply?<p>

When he first said it, she'd been cutting vegetables to make soup for dinner. It had always been her job to cook since Erwin was a moron in the kitchen and had the uncanny ability to burn water. As soon as it hit her ears, she somehow slit open her palm while peeling a potato. He just said it out of the blue: "Oh, and Loki, I'm leaving for military training tonight." The knife clanked to the floor, and she just stood there in shock. He wanted to join the Scouting Legion. If there was anything Loki knew about the Scouts, it was that most of them never came back. Her mind automatically imagined Erwin being consumed by Titans. She imagined only getting an arm or his clothes back. She would die if he didn't survive either from grief or her own hand.

After all, there was no Loki without Erwin.

Without saying a word, she ran away, leaving a trail of blood in her wake. Now she was walking aimlessly as the downpour outside got worse. All she could do was imagine all the ways Erwin could die while letting her feet blindly carry her through town. When she finally looked at where she was, she found herself in a familiar meadow with a massive tree. That was where Erwin tried teaching her to read almost every day. Loki sobbed and walked over to the tree, sitting under the foliage. She started thinking about Erwin's funeral. All it did was made her sick to her stomach. She was going to vomit.

She was sobbing into her knees and ramming her fist into the trunk. It hurt. Bad. She wanted to drown out her misery with the pain. She kept on even after she heard a snap and her hand went numb. The sobbing and grief only got worse. They were leaving her. Her family was gone, and she was alone again. Of course Erwin wanted to leave. That's why he always kept his distance. He never loved her. He just put on a show for their dad. After their dad died, he didn't have to pretend anymore. Now he was leaving for good. A sob ripped through her chest and made her start trembling even worse.

"Loki?!" She could hear Erwin's voice over the rain. "Loki?! Damn it, Loki, answer me! Loki?! Loki!" She heard his running steps coming her way.

Loki looked up as she choked on her own tears. "Go away!"

"Loki, you're shaking. You're going to get sick sitting out here in the rain."

"I'm fine," she whimpered, looking away as he got closer.

"Is your hand still-"

"I said I'm okay!" she screamed, hiding her face so he wouldn't see her crying. She was being a fucking baby, and she knew it. No wonder he wanted to leave.

"I know you're crying."

"Am not!"

Suddenly, Loki was being picked up and held. Erwin was sitting on the ground with her, holding her like an infant. Loki stiffened and struggled, arms pushing against Erwin while her fingers clawed at his arms weakly. All the while, Erwin didn't let go. After a few minutes, her walls fell and she embraced Erwin and cried into his chest. The tears in Loki's eyes fell violently down her cheeks.

"Loki...you know I have to do this for dad. For humanity. By whatever means-"

"Don't." Her words were muffled in his chest, along with her sobbing. She'd become hysterical in the span of a few seconds. His damn duty was always so important. Wasn't she important? "Don't fucking talk to me about humanity. Humanity is what got us into this mess."

* * *

><p>Erwin rested his head against Loki's as he pulled her hand up for him to see. The cut wasn't too deep, but it was caked with dirt and mud. He was pretty sure her hand was broken too based on the odd angle her fingers were pointing. He sighed. Usually he'd scold her for being so childish and careless. But now he couldn't. To be honest, he was a little startled at her violent, psychotic reaction to his news. Sure, he could've planned it better, but still, he'd never seen her so upset. Not even when their father was killed. Something was wrong with her that was deeper down. Erwin knew how to read people, and when he looked at Loki, he saw so much horror hidden behind her lazy gold eyes. This was something that happened to her before they met rearing its ugly head.<p>

A few moments passed, and Erwin began running his fingers through her hair to console her. It worked, a little. Her sobs were slowly dying down to sniffles and hiccups. But she refused to let him out of her death grip.

"Please...stay."

"Loki, I can't." He would have to leave soon. He couldn't put this off any longer.

"Please!" she whined.

Now came his choice. Duty? Or her? He'd always put duty first. She knew this. It was important to him that this be done, not just for him but his father as well. "I can't."

Loki's body suddenly locked up like a coiled spring. "If you die...I'll kill myself."

"I won't die then," he said cautiously. This was a side of Loki he'd never seen before. "Don't worry about me, Loki. I'll visit as often as I can, and I'll send money when I can too so you won't have to work too hard in the bakery." He pulled out a bottle of sedative Dr. Angehlescu gave him to give Loki if she had any episodes. "Here, drink this."

Loki mechanically opened her mouth and let him pour it down her throat. Her eyes looked so lifeless now that she had calmed down. It was like her soul had been sucked out. He watched her as she slowly fell asleep before picking her up and carrying her to Dr. Angelhescu's home.

* * *

><p>"It fucking hurts, thank you very little," Loki groused angrily as Dr. Angel led her to a spare room in his home. Apparently, neither he nor Erwin trusted her enough to be alone. Smart people.<p>

In her mind, Loki was already planning ways to get Erwin's attention. She could get really sick by going to one of those death colonies outside the town. Maybe she could "accidentally" fall off a tree or a roof. Maybe she could get kicked by a horse. Or maybe she could get addicted to one of those illegal drugs that made you forget about the world. She could use some of that. There was nothing Erwin or the good old doctor could do to stop her from thinking and planning. Loki was quite cunning after all.

"That's too bad," the doctor says, and he sounds quite a bit more disgustingly smug than he has any business being. "Because you're stuck dealing with it. Think of it as penance for being so reckless with your own health."

Loki's entire right arm was stiff, swollen and throbbing. She had a cast enveloping her entire hand including the fingers, and the cut she accidentally made while peeling potatoes needed stitches. While the doctor put her hand in the cast, Erwin paced and chewed her out. At the time, she could care less because of that lovely sedative Erwin have her to keep her from freaking out again. She could really use another one to drown out the mental pain she was in because it was way worse than the physical pain she had.

Erwin left her there to join the fucking Military Academy.

Before he left, Loki had to beg him for a goodbye kiss. When she got it, she tried to make it last longer than was acceptable for a brother and sister. She loved him after all and wouldn't see him for four years. Four fucking years. She wrapped her arms around his neck and tried to hold his lips against hers, but he was stronger than her. Of course he was. He pulled Loki away and cupped her neck gently, running his thumb over her birthmark. He told her to get some rest and then he left her. Alone.

"I'm not giving you any pain blocking herbs since you've already taken a sedative."

Loki rolled her eyes. "Awesome," she snapped, hard-edged and sarcastic. "Because nothing out there beats good ole fashioned pain."

"Well, isn't that just too bad? Maybe next time you'll think twice before you to beat your hand to a pulp."

"Don't bet on it," she growled as he left.

Loki rolled onto her side away from the door as soon as she was alone. Alone. How long had it been since she actually slept by herself? Sure, Erwin made her get a bed for herself, but he still slept in the same room as her. Now though…now he was moving thousands of miles away to a training camp while Loki stayed locked up and abandoned in the old doctor's house. Loki felt tears dripping down her nose and sniffled before burying her face in her pillow so no one could hear her sobs.


	7. Chapter 7

**Loki: 11**

**Erwin: 16**

* * *

><p>As she was making dinner with Loki, Claudia noticed a deep, irritated cut on Loki's arm. It made her pause in her cutting of the lamb leg. Loki paused in her stirring and glared at her in a challenge. Ever since Erwin left four years ago, Loki had been recalcitrant and depressed. The first few days, she was catatonic and just lay in the guest bed staring at the ceiling. Then she was in a psychotic rage for almost a month and a half. Now she had reverted to depression and aggression.<p>

* * *

><p>"I can't! I can't do this anymore! He left me! I have no one!" Loki screamed as she started slamming her head against the wall.<p>

The sound of dull thuds echoed through the room, and with each slam, Loki felt pain radiating behind her eyes. It was almost enough to make her forget that she was alone and no one cared. Almost. Dr. Angel caught her head with his hand and pulled her to his chest. Loki screamed and beat her good fist into his chest before reverting to shaking and whimpering.

She felt safer when she was being held. She heard Dr. Angel say something about Trauma Disorder and Separation Anxiety. Loki wasn't stupid though. She was a realist. Sooner or later those arms-anyone's arms-would let go, and the real world would come rushing back in to engulf and suffocate her. People she loved would die, and she'd be left alone trying to fend for herself until she died along with them. That may be sooner than later.

"You're wrong," the doctor murmured. "You're not alone. Erwin will be back soon. Until then, Claudia and I will be here."

"It's not the same. I love him. We were supposed to be together forever, but he's gone," she hiccupped. "He hates me. He fucking hates me."

Dr. Angel put a bottle to Loki's lips, and she drank obediently. She didn't want to be awake anymore anyway. When she was asleep, she could be at home with her brother and dad. Both of them left her. One of them permanently and the other one getting there far too quickly.

* * *

><p>"Loki," Claudia said cautiously, worried she'd send the girl into an episode if she got too specific with her questioning. "How did that happen?"<p>

"The fuck should I know?" she snapped.

Before Claudia could respond, the door opened. "I'm back!" Erwin's deep voice called.

Claudia and Constantin knew Erwin was coming back several weeks ago. He wrote often, inquiring about Loki's health and the town in general. When he told them he was returning in a few days, he asked them not to tell Loki because he wanted to surprise her. Claudia watched as Loki's breath hitched. She hoped this wouldn't send Loki into an episode. There was a knife right next to her, and it made Claudia nervous. It wouldn't be the first time Loki tried slicing herself and the furniture to ribbons.

"Hello, Loki. Miss me?"

It didn't take more than five seconds for her to react. The ruddy haired girl flung herself at Erwin and threw her arms around her brother's neck with teary eyes before flinging her legs around him to like a monkey clinging to its mother. "Brother!"

That was the first time Loki smiled since she started living with them. Her eyes were alive with life. Claudia smiled softly at the reunion, but she also wondered about the relationship between the two. It didn't seem very much like a sibling relationship, but then again, she never had siblings. She didn't know what that relationship was supposed to look like. Still…it was a little too intimate.

"I take that as a yes."

"I missed you," she said quietly. "I thought about you every single second."

"I missed you too," he said after hugging her and pulling her off of him.

* * *

><p>Erwin knew about Loki's amorous feelings for him; he would be legitimately shocked if someone didn't pick up on it. He also knew about her self-hatred and problems with abandonment. He liked to think he knew the extent to which it spread, but he was well aware that he didn't understand why. He wished he could help her more, wished she could go to one of those mind health centers in Wall Sina where they had better medicines and people who could help her.<p>

Loki was sick in the morning, which meant something pretty serious was wrong. Loki never got sick. Ever. The last time she was bedridden was when she got a horrible virus that made her liver swell and made her tired all the time. Loki was perfectly fine yesterday. There was no reason she should be sick. The only time Erwin had seen anyone suddenly get sick with these symptoms was in training. One of the trainees tried to stitch a cut they got sneaking around at night. They never cleaned the wound or sterilized the needle.

And that's when all the pieces started to come together, and Erwin realized what Loki had been doing. She hurt herself. Intentionally.

* * *

><p>Loki looked at the cuts on her leg with a sigh. It'd been three years, and still Erwin wouldn't come back to her. No matter what she did. Loki was sitting in the corner of the room, holding a knife. She pulled it hard across the canvas of her milky white thigh again, next to the "Erwin" scar on her hip. She exhaled harshly at the pain. She hated doing this, but there was no other way to get his attention other than hurting herself. Then again, it didn't help that she hated herself, that she thought she deserved something worse than the pain.<p>

There was a sharp knock at the door. It startled her, making her cut deeper than she intended.

"Loki? Are you alright in there?" the doctor's wife asked through the door.

"Yeah. Getting changed."

"Alright dear, check in before going to bed."

"Yeah."

Loki looked down at her thigh. There were dozens of superficial cuts, but the one she just caused stood out. It was deep, deeper than she ever cut. She could see yellow fat tissue. She needed to sew that one up. She covered the wound with a handkerchief and rustled around in her secret box. The box was filled with letters to Erwin she'd never send, dried up flowers from the meadow where she and Erwin used to play and first aid materials. She pulled out the suture thread and a curved needle.

"No time to clean anything," she muttered as she threaded the needle and haphazardly stitched the wound closed. She stuffed her bloody nightdress under the bed and changed into another before going to say goodnight and get her medicine to help her sleep.

* * *

><p>Erwin was upset, confused, concerned. He had to take a moment to compose himself. They told him she stopped doing this childish sort of thing a year ago. Did that just mean they didn't know she was still doing it? He looked at Loki as she slept in the bed she begged to share with him and noticed something. She had a few thick, raised scars on her forearms. Erwin carefully sat on the bed beside her and took her arm in his hands. There was a fresh cut on her wrist. It could only have been a few days old.<p>

Loki's eyes opened weakly from his touch. She tried to tug her arm away weakly.

"Anything you'd like to tell me, Loki?" he asked, still holding her arm.

She tried to roll away from him with a whine.

"Take off your clothes, Loki. Now."

"No," she muttered to the wall.

Erwin clenched his jaw. Normally, he was calm in the face of opposition, but for some reason it was different this time. He gripped the covers and quickly ripped them off.

"Noooo. Erwin," she whined. "Erwin please don't do this." She curled into herself.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Fuck no."

"What happened, Loki?" He sat on the bed and started stroking her hair. She always opened up to physical contact.

"I...I cut myself," she whimpered.

Erwin sat there for a moment just staring at her, unbelieving. Hearing it from her mouth sent a shock through his system. Loki, his baby sister, deliberately harmed herself. He was upset, furious. He wanted to shake her. He wanted to hold her and tell her she should love herself like he loved her. He wanted to tell her her soul was beautiful. He did none of these things. Instead, he sat on the edge of the bed, gripping Loki's hand.

Loki pulled the hem of her nightdress up to reveal a puss-filled, inflamed cut that was horribly stitched together. Erwin hissed through his teeth as he gingerly touched the inflamed skin. It felt like it was on fire. He noticed some of her other scars and pulled her nightdress up to her waist. Her body was littered with scars like a cat's scratch post. Erwin even saw one on her hip that was his name carved into her white skin.

Erwin was going to be sick. "Why would you do this?"

"I'm such a fuck up. I only cause problems and...and I'm just insane. No wonder you wanted to leave me. I'm worthless."

"Loki, you know that's a load of shit."

Loki's eyes widened at his use of profanity. "I-I know. I can't help it." She reached up and took his hand in both of hers. "Your hands are calloused," she whispered before kissing his hand gently.

Erwin pulled away. "I'm getting the doctor."

* * *

><p>The day after the doctor found out about Loki's infected cut, he decided to operate on it by lancing the pustules, sanitizing the wound and stitching it up properly. As they were strapping her down, Loki started freaking herself out thinking about everything that could go wrong. She was slowly realizing she didn't want to die just yet.<p>

She grabbed Erwin's arm as he helped the doctor hold her down and still and whimpered in the back of her throat. "Erwin."

"Shhh, it's fine. Stay still."

"Erwin, I'm sorry for being an awful sister, for being alive and for wishing I was dead. I shouldn't have done that."

"I know, Loki. I've forgiven you. It's okay."

Loki tried to hide the shaking, not to mention the tears that started to well up and spill over. That's when she felt the intense slicing pain in her leg. Loki would've jackknifed into the upright position if a chest strap hadn't been pinning her down. Loki screamed as the pain only got worse. It felt like they were lighting a fire inside the wound. Erwin and the doctor's wife were busy trying to hold her still. When the pain became too much, Loki finally started to black out.

* * *

><p>"E-Erwin?" Loki slurred before hissing through her teeth when she tried to move.<p>

"Welcome back," Erwin said as he stood from wherever he used to be. He pushed her back down and kept a comforting hand on her neck, rubbing her birthmark gently. "You did well, Loki."

"What the hell is wrong with me," she mumbled as tears started to leak from her eyes.

"Nothing's wrong with you, Loki. Just get some sleep."

For some reason, that only made Loki cry harder. She rolled away from Erwin so he couldn't see and let her chest tremble with each hiccup for breath.

She felt the bed shift, and suddenly she was being hugged. Erwin was lying beside her! Loki felt a calloused thumb wiping her face of tears. "It's okay. You're okay," he said quietly, rubbing gentle circles across Loki's back. "Do your best to sleep."

"Can you stay with me," Loki pleaded. "Until I fall asleep? Please?"

"I'll stay as long as you need me to."

"Then never leave me. Please."

He didn't answer that, but Loki was too tired to think about it for too long.


	8. Chapter 8

Erwin knocked on the door to Loki's room in their new shared home late in the night. Despite Loki's protests, he didn't usually let her stay in his room with him anymore. They really were getting way too old for that. Tonight was different though. Tonight he needed to see her, make sure she was alright. Loki opened the door, cautiously peeking out with sleep-heavy eyes. When she saw it was him, she opened the door fully.

"Erwin?" she asked, sleepily rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hand. "I thought you were coming back home tomorrow."

Erwin smirked at her reaction. Loki was usually a very heavy sleeper. He wouldn't be surprised if she woke up in the morning and didn't remember this conversation ever occurred. Had she been fully awake, she probably would've smothered him like she usually did when he returned home from duty at the Corps.

This last tour lasted two months. It was one of the longer of his tours since it involved getting prepared for an expedition outside the walls. He was afraid Loki would have another episode, but the doctor had given her herbs to help her sleep so she wouldn't get depressed at night. She wrote to him often, and she told him it actually helped. He believed her for the most part. There would always be a part of him that wouldn't fully trust Loki though. She was too much of a loose cannon.

"I know, I decided to come home early. Want me to...sleep in your bed?"

Loki perked. "Really? You mean it?"

Erwin was glad it was dark so she could see the light blush. "Uh, yeah. Is that okay?"

Loki nodded and pulled him inside before shutting the door behind him.

All the while, Erwin was remembering the mission. His first mission in the Survey Corps. All he could see were his comrades, no, his friends, dying in front of him. If he thought about it long enough, it wasn't his friends anymore but Loki that was screaming for mercy through snot and tears. The images were alarming enough to him that Erwin asked to be dismissed early to head home. Commander Shadis was kind enough to allow it. Now that he could see Loki was fine and well, it calmed him, but only a little.

Loki crawled into her bed without a second thought, and Erwin followed closely after, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her against his chests as soon as she pulled the quilt up over them. A shudder jolted through his body unexpectedly when he buried his face in her messy ruddy hair. Upon smelling and feeling her, the overwhelming emotions from the things he just faced started assaulting him like a flash flood.

Loki rolled over in his arms. She seemed more awake now. "What happened? You're shaking."

Erwin felt tears prick his eyes. What didn't happen would be a much easier question to answer. Upon leaving the walls, Erwin had been wonder struck at the beauty of the outside world. He automatically thought Loki would enjoy it there. That's when the first titans showed themselves. There were seven in the group they saw coming from a nearby outcropping of trees. Three of them were three meters, and the rest were ten. Erwin had cockily thought he could handle it without breaking a sweat. He was an idiot. He was wrong. So very, very wrong.

Using the 3DMG, they starting attacking the Titans. They seemed to have the upper hand until the Titans started fighting back. They swatted several of them to the ground like pesky flies before crouching down to tear them apart with their hands and massive teeth. Erwin thought he could save at least one. All he could do was save the upper half of an old training buddy. He was still alive as his entrails dragged behind him. Commander Shadis snapped him out of whatever was happening, and Erwin was able to get away from a Titan reaching for him. At the expense of his friend. His friend begged him not to leave him, but Erwin had no choice. He could remember seeing his reflection in the Titan's teeth.

He was pulled from the horrible memories by something soft and warm touching his lips. Loki was giving him a brief, loving kiss. It had been so long since he allowed her to do it. For some reason, he broke down completely and let a sob wrack his body as he clung to her. Loki wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest. She held him when he was supposed to be holding her. She was supporting him despite the lack of support he could give to her. Erwin just couldn't get the thoughts out of his head. He couldn't pull it together.

"This is the first time you've cried in front of me," she whispered. He could feel her warm breath on his cheek. It almost reminded his of Titan breath, but it was much hotter and fouler than hers.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I shouldn't be doing this in front of you. Not with everything you're going through."

"Erwin, we're family. We're all that's left. We have to support each other," she said against his chest. She was shaking. No, she was crying.

"Loki?"

"I missed you so much," she said shakily. She sounded almost sheep like. "I was so worried you wouldn't come home."

Erwin didn't know what went on in Loki's mind. All he knew was what the doctor vaguely explained to him. Loki got very scared and very anxious when she was ever alone. When Erwin left, it was like he was dead. She felt perpetually alone, and she relived whatever trauma she faced and suppressed on a daily basis. When he came back it was like a miracle every time. It was like an assault on her systems that left her drained and depressed.

"I missed you too...I wanted to see you. Make sure you were safe. I...I wanted to see that you were okay."

"What happened outside?"

"A lot of people died," he said solemnly.

"Erwin."

Erwin looked down just in time for Loki's lips to press against his. It was different from the one she had given him earlier. It was too long to be platonic. No, this was meant to be romantic. He tried to pull away, but Loki pulled his head down to her own by wrapping her arms around his neck and running her fingers through his har. Erwin quickly pulled her away when he felt something stirring in the base of his spine and in his cock. This was wrong; they were siblings. This went against everything he tried to make himself believe.

"Loki," he managed before she whimpered and tried to kiss him again, pressing her body flush against him. "Loki, no. Stop it. We can't. We can't do this."

"Why?"

"We're...we're siblings. Just...just sleep. I'll be here when you wake up," he said, pulling her close so she couldn't move.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"I love you, Erwin."

He said nothing, fearing she may get the wrong idea.

Their relationship was becoming much less platonic than he'd like. Ever since their father died, she tried getting closer and closer to him. In retrospect, trying to push her away from him probably made it worse. They were in a codependent relationship that Erwin was trying to stop, but Loki was constantly pulling him right back into it. It was like being stuck in quicksand. He even got into a relationship with a girl named Marie while he was away from home, but she wanted too much from him.

She wanted him to move in with her in the city and let Loki stay with the doctor in their small hometown. With news of every attempt of suicide, Erwin was becoming more and more willing to leave Loki and the mess she was behind. He felt guilty for it now though. He felt guilty that the only thing that stopped him was the breakup. Marie didn't want him to join the Survey Corps. She wanted him to be safe with her, but Erwin couldn't do that. He couldn't bring himself to give up his plans to redeem his father and his theories. Not even for love. So he returned to Loki, and he was again reminded of how much he loved her. It was alarming.

Even his buddy Nile tried to convince him to leave Loki behind. He said that Loki was corrupting him and making him sick along with her. He asked Erwin why the hell he kept worrying about her and often tried to make him forget her. Erwin would always reply with the same thing: "I wouldn't expect you to understand." Now he saw what Nile meant when he said their relationship was kind of twisted. They were stuck together on a sinking boat in the middle of a never-ending lake.

Erwin felt Loki shift in his arms to roll over onto her other side. He looked down and noticed her lips were slightly parted. Erwin would never admit it openly, but he actually enjoyed watching Loki sleep even when they were young. He propped his head up on his elbow and watched her. She was curled in on herself against his chest, arms flung out across the rest of the bed. Erwin traced the thick, raised, self-inflicted scars carefully, being sure not to wake her as he explored the anomalies. Her hair was curled around her neck like a scarf or a snake, and her face seemed peaceful as her eyes moved lazily under her eyelids. His eyes wandered across the expanse of her back-or at least what he could see of her back through her threadbare nightdress-delving into the shadowy dips of her vertebrae and up along the peaks of her shoulder blades. They rose and fell with the steady, deep rhythm of her breathing.

Her body was like a furnace. Perhaps the Sun was a better description. She always had been, even when she was emaciated and sickly. No one would expect such a small body to exude such heat. That was always a plus to sleeping in the same bed as Loki. One could never get cold. He carefully pressed his hand against her spine, gently following along the curves it made in her back.

Her face seemed younger and happier when she was asleep too. Her lashes made dancing shadows across her high cheekbones. She had an aquiline nose with a subtle upward tilt that flared with every huff when she was upset. Her slightly parted lips were damp with drool. Loki would never admit it, but she did drool when she took those sedatives. It embarrassed her, but Erwin only found it endearing.

She shifted restlessly, mumbling incoherently in her sleep. Erwin settled in behind her, finally beginning to feel sleep tugging at his consciousness. His eyelids were growing heavier with each time he blinked in the dim light. Sometimes just hugging her would calm Loki back into sleep. He let her roll over and push him onto his back with a hand on his sternum, planting her ear just under his collarbone as she rested her head on him. He folded an arm around her shoulder blades as she snuggled into him, her arm flung across his torso and her leg across his hips. These moments were worth going back outside the walls again. It was worth seeing all the death to protect her.


	9. Chapter 9

**WARNING: This chapter has sexual content with dubious consent, slight physical abuse and prostitution. **

**Loki: 16**

**Erwin: 21**

**AUTHOR's NOTE: In this world I'm saying 16 is the legal age of an adult. I say this because kids can join the military at 12 and usually graduate around 16 or 17. I'm also saying that drinking is allowed at 16 too.**

* * *

><p>At first, she did it because she needed the extra cash. It was hard trying to live off of a low bakery salary and minimum military wages. Everyone was having a hard time of it because taxes in Wall Maria and Rose were on the rise due to floods along the rivers. Villages were damaged and much of the livestock was wiped out. Loki tried getting another job, but all of them were taken. That's when she met Mordred. He was completely understanding of her situation and offered her a job immediately. He even let her have some of their "product" for free to help her sleep and relax after a hard day of work. She should've known they were reeling her in, but she really did need the money.<p>

The "product" was called Dark Lady. It was made from a mix of minerals, herbs and insect toxins of various strengths. The drug was popular and easily made by amateurs, making it a lucrative business opportunity for those in the underworld. It was being used in all three walls, and it had a very high mortality rate. The King's advisors estimated it killed at least 40 a month. For this reason, the King made the substance illegal, but that only made it more alluring to the public. And once you took that first rock, you couldn't stop.

"How do I look?" Loki asked Anibal, one of the two bouncers, as she sauntered down the elegant stairs of the high-price brothel she was posted in.

"Give it a spin for me."

Loki did as requested, stopping with her thin sleeves falling off her shoulders and her bust clearly visible. Her legs were visible too since the dress had a high/low skirt so buyers could check out the quality of the products. Loki was pretty waifish nowadays though. She sometimes didn't eat for two days at a time, and she was high thirty percent of the time. Sometimes people at the bakery would ask if she needed to sit down or if she was okay. That was usually when she needed her next fix.

"Mmm," the guard purred. "Bring it here, cutie."

They shared a laugh. Especially after Loki mock-stumbled, and Anibal reached out to catch her and palmed her a little something to take the edge off even though she wasn't supposed to be dipping into the product. She had already gotten in trouble twice with Mordred because she was taking more of the drug than she was worth.

"Be good, baby," Loki told him.

Loki sauntered past other women who were sitting with their clients. She swallowed three of the six rocks in the pack and hid the rest in her skirt. She ordered a bottle of wine and put it on her first John's tab. She didn't have one yet, but she figured one would show up eventually. As she let the drink soothe her tired nerves, she laid her head back and stroked her cleavage. That usually brought the money pouring in.

Not twenty minutes later, she heard it: "Hey, Loki!"

She looked up slowly, pretending to take her sweet time. It was the boy whose finger she bit off when she was a little kid. Fuck. She was so screwed. Ever since that day he kept his distance, but after a few years he started trying to court her. Loki nearly puked in her mouth at the memory. Or was that the drug? "Hi, Bene," she said quietly.

As the drug was oozing through her system, she felt the room beginning to spin. She groaned and blinked a few times to stop the spinning. Suddenly she was in Bene's lap, and he was running his hands up and down her legs. She groaned when she felt him trying to undo her corset and managed to get his hands back on her legs.

"Money…first."

"Whatever you want."

* * *

><p>Loki woke up slowly, her hands scrambling for purchase on her tiny bed made of a mattress on the floor as she lay facing her ugly wood ceiling. The sensations registered in her mind one by one. There were hands tightly gripping her hips, there was a raw soreness in her lower regions as she felt herself being tugged forward and back and she felt puffs of air panted against her cheek. She must've been high when a John picked her out. There was an awful taste of bile in the back of her throat too.<p>

Loki looked at the client's face as he sat on his haunches, still pushing into her. She almost screamed when she saw who it was. It was Bene. That idiot from her childhood that hit Erwin. She looked at the hand that held one of Loki's legs bent back against his chest. There was that awfully mangled stump she left him with. She noticed something else too; he was thrusting lazily into her. She couldn't remember how he'd gotten her here from where she had been sitting on that couch.

"I see you decided to rejoin me."

The events leading up to that moment came back in flashes; she remembered getting ready for the night and taking the drugs with a bottle of wine that tasted like piss. But wine was wine, and she had desperately needed a good fix. She also remembered Bene coming over to where she was sitting. That's when everything got a bit hazy. All she remembered after sitting in Bene's lap was being bent over her bedside table with Bene entering her from behind. The last thing she remembered was Bene finding her clit and grinding his thumb against it until Loki blacked out. Which brought her to her current position: well and truly fucked.

"Bene," Loki started, gasping as another thrust knocked the air from her lungs. "Shit, stop, I need to...I-"

He leaned forward, bending Loki nearly in half. "I am not finished yet," he whispered darkly. Then he rocked back on his knees, tugging Loki up so her bottom rested on his thighs. He pulled Loki's legs around his waist and started fucking down into her with even more force.

"No, please, I can't," Loki whined, gasping as he hits her clit with an open slap, sending aftershocks of pleasure and pain through her whole body down to her toes. "Please just stop!"

He dragged himself out, and for one grateful moment Loki believed he was actually going to stop. Then he pulled her flush against him once more, leaning forward fully sheathed to lick a line across Loki's cheek. She cringed and turned away. "You don't have to do anything."

"I need to rest," she gasped, trying to twist away. "Please."

"You can rest when I'm finished," he snarled, gripping her hair and hauling her back.

Loki was too tired to fight anymore, so she relaxed into the bed and closed her eyes, trying to block the sensations. Maybe she could fall asleep if she tried hard enough. Bene growled low in his throat, gripping Loki's wrists to drag her vertical and pull her flush against his chest. Loki felt herself sink down on his cock, the new angle allowing him even deeper and choked out a pained gasp. Where were those drugs? She needed them. She saw her dress by the door.

"No more sleeping," Bene demanded, thrusting up into her now, using his strength to bodily lift Loki up and then let gravity drag her back down.

"Then please let me have another fix. Please."

"No, I want you to feel this for days and think of me every single moment. I want you to know just who it is you belong to."

"I know who I belong to," Loki snapped dangerously. She was beginning to become more alive. If he wouldn't let her take the drugs she sure as fuck wasn't going to play his game willingly. "I belong to me."

In retaliation for that, Bene impaled her with a brutal thrust. Loki cried out, falling limply against his chest, unable to do anything but hold on. "Say you belong to me," he snarled, grabbing her throat and squeezing.

"I will tell no lie."

"Then call me big brother, or maybe you prefer Erwin?"

Loki paled. How did he…? "Fuck no."

"But it's the truth. You belong to him don't you? You said you wouldn't lie."

"The truth is if you don't get out soon, I'll scream and have the guards kick you out on your ass."

"You wouldn't like what would happen when I found you," he growled as he flung her on her back again. She yelped and tried to escape, but she was too frail. "I will always find you," he promised.

"Only for as long as I want you to," Loki snarled, wincing now at every thrust. She clawed at his face only to have her bony wrists encased in one thick hand.

"I have wanted this for so long. Now that I have you, I am never letting you go."

"You seem to be under a few misconceptions," Loki snapped, panting between the words as she tried in vain to catch her breath. "I am not your possession; I know very well how you treat your things, dumbass." She cried out as he slammed against her raw opening. "Bene!" she pleaded.

"You know how to end this," he said, stopping for a brief moment. "Call me big brother or Erwin, and I'll finish up." He trailed kisses along Loki's snub nose, undulating his hips just slightly to work himself constantly deeper.

"Fine," she sobbed. "I'm yours, Erwin. I...always have been."

Bene pushed himself in as deep as he could, and Loki gasped as she felt him come inside her. It seemed to go on forever. Loki tried to pull away after Bene released her wrists only to pin her hips to the bed. "Not yet," he whispered. Impossibly, he was still thrusting in short little jerks, working his spend deeper into Loki with each push. She didn't know how long it went on before he finally pulled out.

Loki whimpered and crawled to her dress, hurriedly fishing out the last three rocks and swallowing them whole. Tears clouded her vision as she imagined what Erwin would think if he saw her now. He'd be so fucking disappointed and embarrassed. Sure, she knew she was an embarrassment before, but now she would be disowned completely. He would likely abandon her. Then a hefty coin pouch fell in front of her. It was triple what he owed.

"I'll be back, baby sister," he grinned.

"You're fucking sick," she sobbed as hot tears that felt like acid dripped from her eyes.

"Maybe, but you belong to me now. You said so yourself."

"I will not be your whore," Loki snarled before Bene kicked her in the jaw. She cried out in surprise as she fell back onto the unforgiving wood floor.

"You will be mine, Loki. I will have you say it and mean it. I don't care how long it takes to convince you."

"Do you think I'll simply allow you to take me whenever you wish?" Loki asked. "Is that how you think this is going to work?"

"I have money. You'll do whatever I command."

"You don't know how to command shit," Loki snarled, spitting blood near his feet. "You are a selfish, arrogant child." Suddenly there was a sharp pain in her temple, and then everything faded into a blissful darkness.

* * *

><p>A week later, Bene became Loki's most frequent client. That evening, he wanted to play exhibitionist big brother some ore, but this time he gave her drugs he paid for as a present and some of the good vodka to drink it down with. She was curled up in his lap and stoking his fucked up little ego while he stroked her chest and lower regions. That's when she saw a familiar crop of golden blonde hair. Then she saw the rest of him. It was Erwin, still in his military uniform. His eyes were scanning the room and then his eyes landed on her. Loki watched as every muscle in his body locked, his big eyebrows furrowed and his nostrils flared. Oh shit, he was pissed.<p>

Bene looked up when Loki froze in his lap. He grinned and slid his hands on her sides down, cupping her buttocks and squeezing them. The lips kissing her neck were gone, replaced by the sharp bite of teeth, and Loki gasped aloud, eyes fluttering shut. When she opened them again, Erwin's expression had gone dark. Then the hands on Loki slid down to her crotch, rubbing and stroking, and Erwin started crossing the room. He didn't speak, simply throwing a pouch of gold onto the table before them.

"What's this?" Bene asked lazily, looking up as he continued to stroke Loki. She was starting to pant as he pulled her closer to release.

"This is more than what you paid. Enough for you to purchase somebody else. Anybody else."

He snickered, his hand dipping lower. She gasped breathily, arching her back, mouth falling open. Bene offered her another rock and forced it into her mouth, letting her wash it down with his vodka. She moaned as she laid her head on his shoulder and let him please her. "Big brother."

She thought she heard Erwin choking on air. She wouldn't be surprised if he just left her in that shithole to die. That's what she wanted him to do. She was no good for him, and the longer he stayed the more life she'd suck out of him. She was poison. A Dark Lady.

"Mm, she's a good little whore, isn't she? We could always share. I'm sure she'd love that. Two big brothers in one go. She'd be so happy, wouldn't you sweetie?"

She just groaned.

"The contents of that pouch will compensate you for your troubles, I am sure."

Bene grunted, pulling Loki into one last, sloppy kiss before letting go of her and dropping her to the floor. "Fine."

Loki didn't get up from where she fell. She could hardly move at all, and she didn't really want to. What she really wanted was for the ground to swallow her whole so she wouldn't have to see the disappointment and disgust in Erwin's eyes. She didn't think her heart could take seeing that after all this time.

Erwin knelt down and lifted her up into his arms though instead of leaving or kicking her to the curb. She whined as he ran his cold hands over her face and pressed on her old injuries. Bene liked to play rough. She had a healing black eye, a stitched up cut on her cheek, a busted lip and a bruised temple. He started heading for the door when the sharp click of a safety releasing stopped both of them cold. It was unheard of for guns to be outside Wall Sina, even if they were in military hands. Erwin's arms, if anything, tightened down harder on her. Loki opened her eyes, but the room looked fuzzy.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that you take your hands off my property and get the fuck out of my business establishment," Mordred purred.

Loki felt every muscle in her body go slack, even the muscles closing her bladder. Erwin nearly dropped her, but she wouldn't have felt it anyway. She felt bile rising up in the back of her throat too. Maybe she took too much again. She was barely able to hear the conversation much less respond to things going around her. She slipped out of his arms, but he caught her head just in time.

"She's my sister, not your property. And, regardless of what you may be insisting, she's coming with me."

"I can't let that happen, boy. She owes a lot of money."

"Well, I can fix that particular problem."

"No," Loki managed. "Don't waste that on me."

"Shut up," he snapped.

Loki was laid on a couch in Mordred's office after Erwin carried her in there. She watched mindlessly as he counted out whatever sum of money she was worth to this business. Then Mordred strolled over with his gun still in hand and kissed Loki goodbye with tongue and everything. She had a feeling it was more to spite Erwin than it was for actual caring. Erwin picked her up and said his goodbyes curtly before leaving and heading for home.

Loki hadn't been home in a few days. The house probably looked awful and dusty. Erwin probably thought she was dead. Probably thought he could finally stop worrying about the baggage he had left back home. And she just had to ruin it by leaving that note. Loki felt tears gather in her eyes, and she started crying silently.

When they got inside the house, Erwin found some sort of black powder and forced her to drink it down with water. Loki gagged and as soon as it hit he stomach she started to puke. It was excruciating enough to make her start to cry as the drugs left her system. Some of it had gotten into her bloodstream though, so she was pleasantly fuzzy. Erwin left her there to finish puking and started a bath.

"Whassa matter, jealous?" Loki slurred as he sat her on the ledge of the small bathtub. Her muscle control was still iffy, so he had to hold her up to keep her from falling and hurting herself.

"Loki," he sighed as he cleaned her face. "What have you done to yourself?"

He stepped forward, undressing her and carefully sitting Loki in the tub filled with warm water. She actually moaned aloud at the sensation. She hadn't had a bath in a few weeks, and the brothel only gave the high end workers rooms with hot water in them. She still didn't have a full range of motion, and all she could manage was gripping with her fingers and toes.

"'Er ya gunna wash 'im off meh?" Loki managed, closing her eyes as Erwin knelt by the bathtub, his large hands stroking across Loki's back.

Erwin ignored her. "How long have you been working there?"

"Four months."

She could feel his anger in the way his muscles moved and the way he held her. "Why? Why did you do this to yourself?"

She felt tears coming to her eyes. "You lef me. I didn 'av no one."

"That's not true."

"Then why…are you just now rescuin' me?" she asked in a moment of brief clarity.

He stayed quiet for a long time. Loki watched as he argued with himself and tried to find a suitable answer. Instead, he just chose to ignore her accusation altogether. That just meant she was right, and he didn't want to admit it. "You're not going back there. Do you understand me?"

Loki nodded weakly, and by the time she was starting to doze off, she was gloriously clean. The last time she was that clean was at the beginning of the week when she did her work at the bakery. She smelled deliciously of cleanliness from head to toe. Erwin didn't bother drying her hair; instead, he laid her in bed and crawled in behind her. Loki sighed at the feeling of a comfy mattress, plush pillow and the warm body behind her because she knew that this one would ask for nothing in return. He was her Erwin, and even though he wouldn't accept it, she loved him more than she could ever love herself.


	10. Chapter 10

**By the end of the chapter, Loki will be 20. Erwin will be 25.**

* * *

><p>After the town shut down for curfew, Loki started packing up her things. She packed all her clothes, and found one of Erwin's old cloaks in his dresser. Sighing, she brought it to her nose and breathed deep. It still smelled like him. She didn't want to do this, but Erwin was giving her no choice. Ever since she nearly overdosed on drugs after her third attempt at quitting, Erwin had been staying at the barracks instead of at home. She found out the old doctor suggested it because she was too dependent on him. She had been found out. What she was doing obviously wasn't working anymore. She wasn't getting his attention this way, so Loki decided she'd have to go to him. The only way to do that was join the military.<p>

She rolled all her things up into a pack and threw it over her shoulder. Before she left, she found a pen and paper. Her writing was shit, and she only knew a few words. Ever the dumbass, eh Loki? Still, she needed to at least give Erwin some idea of where she was at so he wouldn't be worried if he ever came home. Hopefully he'd be able to understand what she was saying even if she couldn't put it in writing. He was pretty smart though; of course he'd know. At the bottom of the paper, she sketched the training crest. For someone with such shitty writing, she had to admit she was pretty good with drawing things. Maybe that was her mind's way of compensating.

_Go to you._

She left in the shadows and traveled for almost an hour before she found the wagon that was picking up cadets in the next village over. There was a short line of about five being registered and accounted for as they climbed up into the covered wagon. Loki got in line behind a boy of probably twelve and waited until she reached the front of the line. She was definitely one of the older ones there.

"Name and age?"

"Loki Smith, age sixteen."

"Alright, sign here. Looks good, get in. Next!"

* * *

><p>The recruits stood at attention in the baking afternoon sun, trying not to pass out from heat stroke and exhaustion. After being given uniforms which they were forced to figure out themselves, they were shown the proper salute and how to stand when at attention. Then they were marched outside and arranged into rows and told to stand at attention until they were given the command to stand down. Within ten minutes, three recruits were already on the ground in crumpled heaps. Others were getting pale and woozy, rocking back and forth on unsteady legs.<p>

Thankfully for Loki, she had endured worse heat when living on the streets. Her body had long ago acclimated to intense heat as well as freezing cold. Loki could hardly remember what her life was like before the day Erwin tackled her in that market. That was the one memory from her childhood that was clear as day.

They waited thirty minutes outside when a man finally came to look them over. He had choppy black hair and a goatee made up of finely groomed black and grey hair. He wasn't wearing the traditional uniform but instead opted for lighter clothing. Typical military asshole. He did have the training emblem on his sleeve, though. Loki eyed him warily as he weaved through their lines as if daring them to move out of his way.

All this time, Loki had kept her hands down. She wasn't about to risk dying from lack of blood to the brain. Now that he was out here though, she stood at full salute. He didn't seem to catch her but one of his lackies did. Loki stared at him cautiously.

"Do you know who I am?" the man asked as he started coming down the line towards her. Loki was tensing, sensing a threat.

"Yes sir!" they all yelled.

"Who am I?" the man suddenly screamed.

The girl with glasses and platinum blonde hair standing beside Loki stepped forward and raised her arm. Loki watched the girl out of the corner of her eye. She was twelve, but she was already almost as tall as Loki. "Chief Disash, sir!" she screamed in response.

"Good. Who are you, soldier?!"

"I am Rico Brzenska, sir!"

"What was that?!"

"Rico Brzenska, sir!"

"And you," the man stood in front of her. "You little disrespectful brat! I saw you bringing up your hands. Explain yourself!"

Everything in her mind screamed danger and threat. The last time someone from the military who wasn't her brother was this close, she got her fingers cut off. Man she could've used a fix right about then. She could practically taste it. Then she thought of Erwin. She needed to get to Erwin. Loki locked her jaw and looked up, meeting the man in the eye with a glare that mirrored his own.

"I am Loki Smith, sir," she snapped. "I chose to put my hands down because I didn't want to endanger my health. If I am to be of service to the military, I must be in top condition, Sir!"

"I decide when you're healthy enough, smart ass. Fifty laps around the compound, Smith. For that smart ass tone of yours. That should teach you a healthy dose of respect. The rest of you can do thirty when we're done here. Apparently Smith thinks you aren't healthy enough!"

* * *

><p>It only took a few weeks to get the hang of the training and all the military officials. She was slowly becoming desensitized to it. She was excellent at the physical training and workouts, but the educational stuff wasn't her cup of tea. At all. At the beginning, she was failing miserably. She got made fun of a lot for not being able to read or write properly, and the professors would do nothing to help her. Rather than risk being kicked out, Loki found a loophole. Technically, drawing was a form of writing, so she began using pictures to get her ideas and thoughts onto paper.<p>

They were currently working on setting up the 3DMG aptitude training stands. Loki was working with a pair of twin boys and another boy much older than her. He was nineteen. That was almost unheard of. All three of them belonged to the same village though. The oldest one's name was Giovanni. The twins were Lovino and Beppe.

"Get a move on!" Disash called out for the fiftieth time, then turned to one of the twins. "Drill here, here and here. And make sure they're secure. These are pretty important."

"Pretty important," the boy mocked, whipping his bright red hair out of his eyes. He was the younger one, Beppe. "Why can't they just show us instructions?"

"That'd be too easy," Loki remarked from where she was straddling one of the massive pieces. She hammered in a nail at a marked spot and started hammering in another.

"Why do you say that?" Lovino asked. He was the prettier of the twins. His hair wasn't so bright red, and he had pretty blue eyes. He also looked more mature even though he acted like a six year old.

"They're keeping us alert at all times. They're trying to keep us guessing so they drive us into full submission."

"Sounds pretty fucked up to me."

"Shut up, Beppe," Giovanni snapped.

Lovino stared at her for a while before Loki finally looked up. He looked away quickly, his ponytail swishing behind his head, and went back to his own work beside her. "You're...Loki, right?" he asked without looking up at her.

"Yeah."

"I'm Lovino."

"Uh huh."

Loki sensed that he was trying to start up a conversation, but she wouldn't let him if she had any say in the matter. Conversations led to connections with others, and she wanted none of it. Here they called her Stonewall for her cold shoulder and strong resolve. If only they knew. Sometimes at night, Loki would walk past the fences and sit in the darkness to cry. Sometimes she would scratch her skin raw or bruise her body because she missed her brother and the anxiety was becoming too much to bear. It was like some sick cycle she couldn't break. She couldn't live without him. She was nothing.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "I mean, why are you joining the military?"

Loki paused. "Family."

"Ah," he said knowingly. "I get how you feel. Me and my brother are close."

Loki felt a surge of jealousy. Why couldn't she and her brother be close? "Lovino."

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

* * *

><p>Loki lay in her bed the night after they finished their zero gravity training. First, they pinned your torso between two bars. Then they pinned your arms and legs into an "X" position. To get moving, the one strapped in had to shift their body. Then they began to spin in all directions. This control required every muscle in the body to be used evenly. It was apparently the only stationary device in use by the military with the ability to move in any direction via counterbalance. The spinning motion gave an addictive feeling of being weightless. Loki was automatically floored. A lot of recruits couldn't handle it and ended up backing out, passing out or puking. They wouldn't be moving forward. That just made it all the more easy for Loki.<p>

She wasn't beyond sabotage either. If she could get away with it, Loki would put just enough poisonous weed in someone's food to make them sick when they started training. In class, she'd switch out pages of books to confuse the student and make them fail. She'd do anything to make it through training. If anything, it proved she had more resolve than anyone there.

She looked at the envelope in her hand from Erwin. That word she could recognize almost instantly. Loki waited until everyone was asleep before sneaking over to the boys' barracks and slipping inside. She nearly gagged from the smell, and if she did, no one would hear her with all the snoring and wet dreams going on. She searched each bed until she finally found what she was looking for.

"Lovino," Loki hissed, shaking the blanket cocoon that encased him.

"Mmmmm," he groaned. "Not now, mama. I don't want to eat gnocchi now."

"Lovi, get up."

"Five minutes."

Loki frowned and found a way to get Lovino's arm out from under the blanket he wore like a second skin. She bit down hard and covered his mouth when he went to scream. He flailed wildly until he flipped himself onto his back and saw her. When he realized who it was, he tensed up. She made a come hither motion with her pinkie and left quietly, escaping behind one of the empty buildings. Lovino wasn't very far behind. He was staring at her with very red cheeks. Loki just grinned and shoved the letter at him. He knew she couldn't read, so he always read things for her. Especially on tests.

"You woke me up for this?" he grumbled, plopping down on the cold ground. Loki curled up beside him. Pressing her chest into his arm. She knew he liked it, so she was persuading him. "Who's Erwin?"

"My brother."

"Ah, alright.

"To my sister Loki,

"I just recently found your letter on my bed because I just got home. I'm sorry about always being gone, but I'm glad you're venturing out on your own. I sometimes worried you'd never branch out because of me. This will be good for you. If you make it into the top ten, you can live the life you always deserved. Being in the Garrison would be a good place too. I hear they have god housing.

"I miss you, Loki. I miss you more than I want to admit, and I'm sorry for that. Isn't that typical for me? To be so shut off and private? Maria told me that when we were seeing each other. I'm seeing a new girl now named Cerin; she's one of the medics in the Regiment, and she's amazingly talented. I told her about you, you know. She wants to meet you. I really like this girl, Loki. She may be the one. I think you'd get along well with her.

"I heard from Dr. Angehlescu that you haven't relapsed yet. He says he makes sure you keep in touch with him. I'm glad. Dad would be proud. Try to stay strong, and I'm sure you'll make it through your training. You're tough, a lot tougher than some of my peers. You're probably tougher than me.

"Your brother, Erwin."

Loki was silent for a while, thinking over what Erwin had written. It was so bloody typical of him to act like everything was okay when it most definitely wasn't. Why couldn't he just come out and say it?! Why couldn't he say, _Loki, I know you love me, but I don't love you in that way so how about you piss off and we'll play nice_?! She snatched the paper from Lovino, crumpled it up and tossed it past the fence into the darkness. She pulled her legs into her chest and glared at her knees as if they were Erwin.

"Uh...Loki? You want to write him back?"

"No, what good would that do me?" she grumbled. "It would just hurt me more."

They were quiet for a while. "Okay, well I'm going back to-" he stopped. "Loki? Loki, why are you crying?"

Loki knew what was going on now. She got why she never heard from him and why he never came home. He didn't love her. He didn't need her anymore. She sobbed into her knees and started shaking. She wanted to be high. No, she wanted to overdose. She wanted to die. Control. She needed control. Loki started punching herself in the gut. That didn't work. She started banging her head against the back of the building. Not enough. Suddenly, she felt someone holding her. Lovi. Loki snapped out of her episode and realized she had been crying and screaming. He was holding her as she wept into his chest and clung to his night shirt.

"Shhhh, that's right. You're okay. You're okay. I won't leave you. I promise. Shhhh."

When Loki had calmed down somewhat, Lovino pulled her into his lap. "I-I didn't want...want to come here. Y'know? I-I'm here because...it's nothing." Loki exhaled shakily. "Thank you for doing this. I know I'm crazy and fucked up, but-"

Lovino leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her lips. Loki pulled away instinctively since it was rather out of the norm then began returning the kiss with equal gentleness. He was giving her attention, love and affection. That was something she hadn't felt in so long. She placed her hands on his shoulders, and pulled him closer to her. He leaned in closer to deepen the kiss, though he couldn't quite complete it fully. Loki let out a loud, mournful cry; she could feel her barriers dropping, and felt exposed and it hurt.

"It's alright, Lo," Lovino whispered. "I'm here."

Her sobs came out in droves, but that didn't hinder her. She forced through them. Her lips crushed into his in a manner that one could almost consider eloquent, and trailed her tongue across his lips as if asking permission to enter which he obliged. Lovino would, every so often, bring his hands up to her face to wipe the tears away, though more would replace the ones lost. After a while, his lips moved to her neck, where they did nothing more than plant small kisses.

Loki gripped his right hand, and guided it along the hem of her pajama shirt, purposely allowing the tips of his fingers to touch her skin. She could feel him shudder. He gasped and started to study her skin, every curve, every breath. He didn't rush to her breasts like her clients would back when she worked in the brothel. He planted a few more kisses to her neck before returning to her lips, his right hand trailing slowly up her side to reach her breast, his left hand just holding her close to him. Her hands managed to slip beneath his shirt to rest against the small of his back. He was so warm; it had been so long since she allowed someone to get so close. It felt so good.

Lovino lifted the thin material of her shirt and pants off of her, and she immediately shivered at the cold air against her skin. He took in a breath as he studied her, admiring every small detail and accepting every blemish and scar. Her skin was a pale in contrast to her ruddy hair. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him, tightly, their chests pressed against each other. Loki was the one to press her lips to Lovino's.

He let out a small squeak of surprise, and followed it with a small nip at her lower lip. A light moan escaped her lips. He smiled against her, his hands trailing from her back down to her hips, and even lower still. Her hands explored his body, feeling every muscle he'd acquired, though not without her nails dragging across his skin to leave marks in their wake. Another moan flooded the air, though this time from Lovino's throat. He gripped her backside and lifted her onto his lap so that she was straddling him. She bit her lip when she felt his hardness against her.

Lovino looked at her for a long while, before kissing her neck again. Loki's left hand drew towards the center of his pants and the hard organ inside them. She quavered but steadied herself enough to allow the tips of her fingers to brush against the fabric. The light touch was enough to send a rather heavy shiver through Lovino's entire body and elicit a moan. Surely he wasn't a virgin? Did he really like her that much?

"L-Loki."

She smirked at his reaction.

Their breathing became heavy, and his lips dipped from her own down to her chest. His tongue swirled lightly around one of her nipples, his spare hand reaching up to play with the other. Loki drew in a sharp breath and clutched his shoulders for support. His face turned bright red when she fully removed all her clothing.

"You're beautiful. So beautiful. The Goddesses pale in comparison."

Loki ignored him and gripped his pants, pulling them down slowly. After she removed his pants, she studied his length, making him turn his face in embarrassment. She pulled him in close, and wrapped her legs around his waist. She pressed her lips against his and lapped at his teeth. The two shuddered when their lower bodies touched. Loki lifted herself slightly off of Lovino's lap to position herself above his cock. She took in a deep breath and held it as she lowered herself. Lovino tightened his arms around her to support her.

"D-does it hurt?" he asked softly.

"No," she moaned, arching her back. "It's amazing." It had been so long since she actually enjoyed sex.

Lovino didn't move for another few seconds, just to be sure, but when he did move he elicited a sigh from Loki. He smiled and pressed his lips to her throat while she ran her hands along his back.

He enjoyed saying her name, and each time he did he'd thrust his hips upward causing moans from Loki, and they grew louder each time. It wasn't long until Loki's inner heat overflowed and she, without muffling herself at all, screamed into the night. Lovino quickly shoved her off of him as he came, a sequence of moans ripped from his throat, spilling his seed onto the ground rather than on or in Loki. The two came down from their highs one after the other. They didn't wait for their breathing to become stable before holding each other, consoling one another.

"Loki, I…"

"Don't say it Lovi…not right now. I'm not ready."

"That's okay. I can wait."

"Thanks."

* * *

><p>"Dammit, Erwin, when I tell you I can handle myself, I mean it!" Loki snapped as she roughly saddled her horse.<p>

Loki's horse was a massive black horse. In fact, he was one of the bulkier breeds. He was a mixed breed of the military bred Arabian and a Clydsdale. He had all the speed, but he was also pretty big. When Loki went out on the lot, she had been looking at a nice purebred Arabian, but then she saw her horse. He was the wildest, most unruly horse on the lot. She wanted him instantly. The sellers said he was the horse of a Survey Corps member who didn't return. He had given it to his wife to sell to keep herself above ground. That was just what she needed.

They didn't get along well for the first month or so. One day though, Loki had enough and punched him in the neck. When he backed up, she clamped her teeth down on his ear. After that, he was one of the tamest horses in the stables. Hell, he was even tolerant of that stray dog that came around looking for a free meal. The only problem was that she called him Dipshit so much that he actually thought that was his name.

"I know that." Erwin was pissed too, angry at the choice she made to join the Survey Corps.

She was in the lower bracket of the top 10. She might've been number 3 if she actually tried to do her vest. She wanted to avoid the top 10 so the Military Police wouldn't even be an option for Erwin to consider while he watched from the side. Apparently her supervisors saw something they liked. Loki hadn't been paying attention, but she thought they said she was seventh. Or was it ninth? Erwin had apparently asked his superiors if he could come along, so perhaps he heard. She'd have to ask later. Loki nearly busted out laughing at the look on his face when she chose to join the Survey Corps.

"Then why don't you trust me?!" she practically screamed as she chucked her pack onto the horse's back and started strapping it on.

"I do trust you. I trusted you not to do something-"

"Something what? Come on, say it!" Go ahead and call her stupid. She'd beat him black and blue. She got the highest grades in hand-to-hand combat.

"Something stupid."

"Ass," she snapped darkly. Tha was one thing she couldn't stand being seen as. Stupid. She hated that when it came down to it, she couldn't hit him. Even if she wanted to. "I don't need rescuing, dumbass!"

Loki could see him fighting for self-control. She always knew what buttons to push to get him to yell, to give in to that anger that lay deep in hiding. Fighting with Loki got to him in a way that nothing else did; it broke through his calm, twisted up his insides and made him say things he didn't really mean. She loved it.

"Killing Titans is nothing like what you trained for, Loki."

She looked up at him at that, her ire flaring. "How can you know? How could you fucking know if I could or couldn't?!"

"Because by then, you'll be dead!" He roared, making her flinch. He tensed and clenched his fists before speaking quietly. "And I'll be alone."

"You'll have Cerin, won't you?" she asked as she checked her horse's feet.

"Cerin died. She was...she sacrificed herself to save me."

She deflated a little at that and dropped her head. Fuck. She may have hated the bitch, but she didn't want that. She would have preferred her having her face melted off with acid. She scrubbed her eyes, looked up at him, even started to speak a few times, but thought better of it.

"I can take them," she said finally.

"I'm not going to argue with you about this anymore, Loki. I know you're trying to rile me."

"Yes you are, Erwin. Did you see my grades for ingenuity? Did you see how I adapted my 3DMG equipment so I could pull it off with three fingers? Did you see my flexibility scores? What about my medical skills? Did oyu see those? Did you see that my horse meets all of the requirements of the Survey Corps? He cost me more than you'd ever dream."

"How much?"

"Fifty thousand gold coins. That's beside the point though. Tell me that if I was anyone else, you would still make this big fuss."

Erwin was silent. "What do you want me to say? I'm biased? Of course I'm biased. You're my sister, not anyone else."

"Tell me," she said, still staring at him with a dark expression.

He exhaled, tried to deflect the question. "Loki-"

"No. I want to hear you say it."

"No, I wouldn't. I'd probably try to recruit you."

Loki mounted her horse, nearly doing the splits because of his width.

"Loki?" he called after her, but she firmly ignored him. He hated being ignored. If Erwin Smith had any single pet peeve, it was being given the silent treatment. If he was determined to finish this, he'd have to follow her. "Loki!" he snapped as he and his mare caught up.

"What?!" she barked.

"Loki, I know you can handle yourself. Shit, you can kick my ass any day of the week." She grinned a little at that, just a twitch at the corner of her mouth. "But I don't want you hurt."

"You're too late for that one, Erwin."

"Loki! Loki, wait!" Erwin and Loki stopped their horses as a boy with dark red hair and blue eyes came riding up on a quarter horse. "I heard you joined the Scouting Legion."

Loki looked over at Erwin. He almost did a double take. Was she blushing? Loki never blushed. Ever. She dismounted as did the boy. Was Loki in a relationship? Why didn't she tell him? Erwin was pretty sure he deserved to know who Loki saw. He was actually pretty sure he had a say in who she saw. She was his little sister after all. He needed to keep her safe. He listened closely while pretending to stroke and talk to his mare.

"Uhm...yeah I did actually," Loki mumbled, looking at him solemnly. "I heard you joined the Garrisson."

"Yeah. I did. So did Beppe."

"Good."

"Hey, I really like you, Loki. No, that's a lie…I-I love you."

Erwin nearly came off of his horse when he heard that. He had some nerve saying that in front of him. Something strange slowly seethed and bubbled within him, saturating his brain as he stared at the two of them.

"I know," she said, kissing him briefly. "But I have to do this."

"Can't you say it?"

"I…I do love you, Lovino, but I won't change my mind for something like love. That's what got me into this fucked up mess. Come find me sometime."

The brat actually pulled her into a kiss that time. Erwin clenched his jaw and burned daggers into the back of Loki's head. Was this just another attempt to get his attention? If it was, she was actually doing something right. "Be safe," he whispered after pulling away.

"I will."

Erwin watched as Loki mounted and followed as she kicked her horse into a slow walk. "Who was that?"

"A friend."

"You kiss all of your friends like that?"

"Why? Jealous?"

Erwin blushed. "No, you're my sister. I just…I'm worried about you."

Loki's grin was almost scary. Erwin was immediately reminded of a titan's mouth. Dangerous and filled with teeth. "Good to hear."

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: I in no way condone animal abuse, but this is actually based on what my great grandfather would do when he bought wild horses. He'd punch them as a warning and then he'd bite them on the ear. According to him, he never had a single problem with them after that.<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

The air outside the Walls had a certain crisp flavor, and Loki decided she liked it. She relaxed in her saddle as the Corps pushed forward past Wall Maria and out into the world. Everyone seemed so tense, but Loki had never felt so calm. The danger hadn't amounted to much yet, and she was confident in her ability to keep herself alive. Erwin obviously wasn't. He somehow managed to get her closer to him in the cluster of troops. They stayed in tight formation with only a few feet between each row of soldiers. Erwin was three horses away from her.

On this outing, they were trying to see if they could get farther than they had on the previous expedition which Loki hadn't been on. Loki looked at the others close to her. Most of them were first timers except for three. One called himself Mike Zacharius and the other two never introduced themselves. One of them looked a lot like one of Erwin's schoolmates though. From what Erwin told her, he had convinced most of his training squad to join the Survey Corps. Apparently they all died.

A cool breeze that smelled like rain swept across her face. Loki looked for the source and found the dark clouds coming in from the East hills. If they wanted to beat the storm back to the Wall, they'd have to turn around soon.

Commander Shadis called out form the front. "We're moving forward at a walk to give the horses a break."

"We should be heading back," Loki frowned. "Fighting titans in a storm is suicide."

"This isn't like training, Loki. You have to obey orders without question." Erwin rode beside her.

"How did you get over here?"

"Don't change the subject. That attitude of yours won't get you anywhere."

"Says you."

Erwin sighed. "Why do you always have to fight me like this?"

"It's fun," she shrugged.

They rode in silence for a long while, the storm gaining on them with every step they took further from the Wall. If they were forced to stay out in the open during a storm, they would all be dead, and it would take at least an hour to get back to the Wall from where they were if they turned at that moment. If the rain started, it'd be even more difficult to get to the Walls because of the lack of visibility. They'd be picked off one by one. When Loki saw her horses ears pin to his head, she stopped.

"Cadet?"

"Titans."

"Wh-"

"Titan hordes incoming at one-"

Loki looked towards the sound of the voice at the front of the group. Then she saw the huge hand sweep down like the hand of a god, taking two soldiers up and out of sight. Everyone went rigid as they heard the screams. Loki watched in shock as the giant humanoid she'd only seen in drawings began gnawing on the necks of the two soldiers. Fear raced up her spine, but there was something else there too. Something deeper. Like...awe.

Formation was broken instantly into chaos. One of them had a massive head, another was on all fours, while another's nose completely dominated its face. Loki heard the word retreat but didn't move. She didn't see them as a threat as long as they were eating someone else and she had an eye on them. Suddenly Erwin had a grip on her horse's reins and turned it at a gallop. Loki nearly fell off as she scrambled to right herself and tighten her grip on the reins. Falling off her horse out here would be a death sentence. When Loki and Erwin finally managed to catch up to the group, they saw the Titan herd coming in from the side. They were nearly surrounded. Some of them were running towards them. They were so fast.

"I fucking knew this would happen," she growled.

"Not now!" Erwin snapped, pulling rank just with the tone of his voice. He wasn't playing around now that the enemy was in sight.

Loki went into soldier mode then and clenched her teeth together. She looked over her shoulder and frowned. Could they honestly outrun an entire Titan herd? Not without a few dirty tricks. As if to answer her, one of the far Titans with arms that dragged behind its body was suddenly barreling head-first towards the back section. Their section.

"Move!" Erwin boomed, jerking on the reigns of his horse.

Loki did the same. They split apart just in time for the Titan to land on the space they'd just occupied, taking a soldier and horse down with them. The impact caused a massive shockwave to rattle them all down to the bone. The dirt, grass, and rocks beneath ruptured and turned to rubble. She was still trying to regain control of her horse when the Titan slapped its giant hands on the ground on either side of her, reaching for her.

Then the zing of metal wire sounded above her head. Loki craned her neck just as Erwin and several other soldiers flew overhead to begin an offensive maneuver. Loki turned in her saddle so she was riding backwards and fired herself up into the trees. A fellow newbie was slammed into a Titan hand just beside her. She couldn't think about that now. She set her eyes on the nearest titan, an unimpressive four-meter class and changed her trajectory. She eased up on the left throttle with her left ring finger, making her swing wide to the right and up. She tightened her backwards grip on her blades and began a free fall above the Titan until her blades connected with the nape. It was her first kill.

She couldn't dwell on it though. She picked out another and went for it using the same technique before her mind could start screwing with her results. She was nothing. She was a machine. This was her only purpose. She was dead and cold already. Death was nothing but the next adventure. It was a mantra she repeated over and over again like clockwork. She couldn't allow herself to believe anything else. If she did, she would start acting like the others. Emotion would get to her, and then she'd be just as dead as the rest of them. She had to prove Erwin wrong. She could hold her own.

She lost count of how many Titans she encountered. When she stopped for a breather, she allowed herself to think. It was like she had slept through it all. She remembered almost none of it. Allowing herself to think was probably her biggest mistake though. A felled Titan collapsed into her tree, and Loki was shaken from the branch. Loki only had time to brace when she fell onto mushy Titan flesh that felt hotter than fire. Loki rolled the rest of the way down to the grass with a grunt. One of the titans nearby lumbered dumbly towards her. It was a seven meter class with a bright tuft of orange hair, a hunched back, and webbed toes. It almost looked like Beppe.

Loki barely had time to get to her feet when the hunched Titan swiped at her with a slow, thin hand. She rolled away and came up in a crouch, grimacing at the burn on her cheek where her skin stayed in contact with the Titan's for too long. She could practically feel the blisters rising up from under her skin. Hopefully they'd only be minor.

"Soldier! Get out of there!"

Loki looked over her shoulder just in time to see a second titan's bulbous fingers closing in on her. Instantly, she readied her blades. She sliced the Titan's fingers off with a clean jerk of her body, but the Titan was faster than he looked, Loki barely registered its other hand swooping towards her before Erwin yelled her name. Loki put one hand on top of the other, making a two-pronged windmill. She braced herself for the impact, planning to use the force to propel her up enough to give her 3DM gear a running start.

As soon as the impact came, Loki fired her gear and swung around, grazing a tree as she came in for the kill. She cut through the nape like it was butter, but the strain had done a number on her blades. Loki brought her thumbs up to the loops under the lapels of her jacket and pulled. She could feel the customized string as it tightened on her arms and wrists. The blades fell out and plummeted to the ground just as Loki put in new ones.

Loki went into a free fall, enjoying the feeling it created before squeezing the trigger on her gear. She swung through the trees, past the dying and the ones begging for help. She was drowning out their cries. In her mind, she was nothing again. She was a monster. A machine. An animal. Loki found a target and buried her blades into the thick hide of the Titan's back. She had lost all feeling. Everything was a blur of blood and numbness.

* * *

><p>When they called for a full retreat, Loki could hardly feel her limbs. The sun was setting and the rain stung her eyes. Loki and the other medics tended to the sick and the wounded once they made it to a place where they could stop and take count. Loki began using a system. If they were minor, leave them alone. If it was major, make a dot on the forehead with mud. If they were unsalvageable, she put an X the forehead. Her mind was elsewhere though. She was trying to spot Erwin. She needed to see him, take care of him, make sure he was okay.<p>

Instead she had to deal with a fellow graduate. His right leg was bent at an unnatural angle, and his hair was matted with blood. As Loki wiped away the dried blood on his face, she noticed a gash cut into the side of his head. He was unconscious, and a wound on his shoulder was severe. He wouldn't last long if she didn't clog the wound.

"I need tobacco over here!"

"Here," a familiar voice said as he offered a pack. Erwin? Loki noticed the sling and frowned. She wanted to take care of him. What had happened to him? "Loki, here."

"Sorry, zoned out," Loki mumbled as she stuffed the worst wound with the substance. The cadet groaned but didn't move other than that. "Bandages."

"That's a dangerous thing out here," he said as he handed the drenched strips of cloth to her. Loki snatched them and began covering and sealing each wound. "You're good at this."

"No shit," she grumbled as she waved over someone to load the patient into a cart. "That's why I graduated, remember? Or do they let just about anyone join?"

Loki moved in front of Erwin and began looking him over. As soon as her skin made contact with his, she wanted to get closer. She wanted to press herself against him. She didn't care if it was stupid or reckless. She loved him. She wanted him to love her too. Loki shook her head. No. Focus! She began feeling his head and then his shoulder. She pulled the clothes away and saw the purplish skin. He had several minor cuts, but nothing else that she could find or treat. She watched the twitching at his collar bones, the strain of the muscles in his neck. Her breathing grew quick and shallow at the sight. She wanted to kiss it.

"Erwin, I love you."

"I know," he said coolly as he pushed her away. "And I love you as a sister, Loki. But we can't show favoritism. I know now that you can keep yourself safe, so I won't have to worry about you."

Loki felt tears gather in her eyes. He knew what she meant, and he was rejecting her. He was using that same steel mask that he had used at their father's funeral, when he left to join the military, when he saw her in that fucking brothel. Loki nearly screamed. Anything but this. Anything but Erwin abandoning her yet again. They were supposed to be together. Forever.

Loki called for her horse and mounted it when the time came to head back to Wall Maria. She could just barely see it in the rainy distance. Loki looked at the down trodden faces of those around her. They seemed so deflated. Like her, but for an entirely different reason. Then her eyes caught sight of Erwin, and her chest grew hot. Her hands trembled and her vision blurred with tears.

When she finally managed to pull herself out of her thoughts, she was standing in the stables of the Shiganshina headquarters. Loki looked around in surprise. How much time had passed? It was impossible to tell. She noticed Erwin outside the stall, just out of her reach. He was looking at her horse. Oh, he was looking at her.

"What?"

"I said you should get that looked at. We can't lose soldiers to something as minor as infection."

"What are you talking about?"

"That burn. It looks serious."

"It's fine." Of course, it was just about duty. This was Erwin after all.

"Loki." She suddenly felt a pair of arms wrapping around her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you away like that. I just get into a certain mindset when I'm out there. I was angry that we lost so many, and I was angry that I almost lost you so many times."

"You did?"

Erwin looked down at her, concerned. "Don't you remember?"

"No."

"I shouldn't have taken out my frustration on you. I apologize."

Loki turned and clutched at Erwin with all her might. She sobbed into his chest and felt him relax as he rubbed her back. This was the Erwin she remembered. He was the one that comforted her when she was scared and held her when she cried.

Erwin kissed her hair as he spoke. "I've been worried. You had such a despondent look. Like you'd given up. Was it...?"

"No, it wasn't the Titans. I'm more scared of humans than Titans. At least you know what Titans will do. They'll devour. Humans are completely unpredictable."

"Then what-"

"I thought you'd leave me again," she kissed his chest.

"Loki, listen," he sighed. "We aren't little anymore. We need to set up boundaries, try to live our own lives away from each other. That doesn't mean we can't be brother and sister though. It's just...people will get the wrong idea."

"So?"

"Loki...it's wrong. We're siblings."

Loki frowned but sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. Perhaps she was going about this the wrong way. He was always upset when he was with her. Maybe that was the problem. She needed to be happy so she could make him happy. Then he would love her. "Will it make you happy?"

"Yes."

"Okay. For you, I'll do anything."

"That's what I'm afraid of."


	12. Chapter 12

In the beginning, Loki could ignore it. Well, sort of. They were just flirting. She didn't like it, but it was harmless. She knew Erwin would always come back to her in the end. She hoped so at least. Didn't mean she had to like listening to them talk and share food...and give wimpy ass kisses. When Erwin got hurt in that training accident, she was grateful that Thrudr bitch watched over him. Hell, she would've been grateful to a Titan if it meant she didn't have to babysit her demonic big brother. He was very...crotchety when he was in pain. Still, she should've been there to protect him. Should have been the one to catch him when his gear malfunctioned rather than staring in horror from the side of the cliff.

They didn't talk about it once he got back on his feet. In fact, Erwin seemed to be keeping his distance and staying professional. Either way there wasn't much to say. What could she have done? Begged him to stay away from that woman? Ridiculous. She could just hear that irritated sigh and see that look of annoyance he often reserved for her. She could hear him now:

_"Loki, you don't get a say in who I care for. So what if I find her attractive?"_

Ah, yes. That she was. One of the few pretty girls in the Corps. Tall and slim and graceful. Blonde hair and innocent green eyes. She'd seen her fight; seen her leap and twirl and fire herself through the air. She looked more like a dancer than a warrior. In those moments, Loki felt short and clumsy and altogether too...not feminine. She watched Erwin stare at her as he ate across from her. Like a man in love. Then Thrudr blushed and put a hand on his wrist.

She hated the sight of her hands on his body. It distracted her from the food in front of her and the new recruit talking to her...well, at her. It made her stomach turn. Still, nothing broke her heart quite as much as the way Erwin looked at that girl, eyes glazed over with something akin to fever. So much love and admiration, like she was some divine being shining her light upon him. Loki honestly hadn't ever considered the possibility that this might happen. She always thought it would always be the two of them, stealing kisses, laughing together, whispering promises. Even now. She was an idiot of the highest class. She wondered if, next time, Erwin would seek Thrudr instead of Loki in the face of danger.

Always Thrudr was by his side, whispering to him in her strange, soft voice. Loki watched the two of them from afar with clenched fists and a locked jaw. For an instant Thrudr looked up at her. She smiled gently and waved with her spoon, and Loki forced a small smile in return. She didn't know, of course. Erwin didn't even look and took Thrudr's hand, pressing a kiss to it. Loki felt like something irreparable had broken inside her.

* * *

><p>Loki had never been to the Garrison barracks in Shinganshina before, but she already disliked it. That didn't matter at the moment though because she was on a mission. She was wearing a plain back floor length, revealing chemise under a very tight corset. Her ruddy hair was down around her breasts. She even managed to snag some charcoal to put around her eyes. She made damn well sure she'd get his attention when she found him. When she caught the crop of bright red hair, she grinned.<p>

"L-Loki?" Lovino stuttered. "Is that you?" he asked, trying his hardest not to look at her hard nipples under her hair. It was a good thing his hardest wasn't enough.

She smiled and hugged him, making sure to press herself directly into his growing bulge. "Lovi, I've missed you. How have you been? Enjoying the life of a soldier?"

He blushed when she put his arms around her waist when he tried to pull back. "I-It's nice. What a-about you?"

"Oh, it's okay. A bit lonely though," she used the pout she learned in the brothel as she spoke.

"Hey, Lovi! Is this a girlfriend you haven't told us about?" said a pair of older men.

"Hey, guys. T-This is Loki. She was in my graduating class. Um, Loki? Where are you taking me?"

"I'm horny."

As soon as they were outside in an abandoned alleyway, Loki's hands were on his chest, white splayed like a splash of paint against his olive skin. His hands settled against her hips, thumbs brushing the soft material of her thin dress.

"Loki," he breathed, hesitant. "We shouldn't…"

Loki hushed him with her lips, strangely hot compared to his. She trailed them along the stubbly line of his jaw, teeth nipping a path to his ear lobe. "What's the matter Lovi? You want me, don't you?"

"O-Of course I do, Loki. You know that. I just-"

Loki's was already making quick work of his clothes before pushing him against the wall of the barracks and draping herself over him. "Then fuck me. Like we used to."

He flipped their positions suddenly, forcing her into the wall and burying his face in her neck. "If we do this, I want a relationship."

"Okay."

"Loki," he grumbled. He knew that tone was a blowing off tone. "I'm serious. I really do love you."

Loki looked into his darkened eyes and suddenly had an epiphany. Erwin hadn't liked when she kissed Lovino. Maybe she could make him jealous of her. She smiled and took his face in her hands. "I know," she whispered as she kissed him. "I want that too."

He groaned and ground his hips forward, pressing in so close that he actually cut off some of her oxygen. His fingers slid down until they were cupping and squeezing her ass through her skirt as she parted her legs for him. She suddenly remembered all those days of working in the brothels, but she didn't have time for that now. No, she needed to shove those nightmares back.

"Goddesses, you're beautiful," he murmured as he kissed down her neck, almost immediately going to that spot he discovered years ago. "You've never left my thoughts."

Loki gasped. "Please."

He started fiddling with her dress, trying to figure out whether he should push it up or pull it off altogether. He decided on the first and yanked it up around her waist as she hooked her legs around his bony hips.

"Oh," he murmured. "You never did like underthings, did you?"

"Fuck no."

He slid a hand between their entwined bodies and palmed her as his fingers rhythmically rubbed her slit.

"Shit."

"Have you thought about me the same way I've thought about you?"

_Hardly._ "Yes."

She squirmed against his cock as she attempted to undo those stupid military pants. Now that she thought about it, this would be good practice for when she got with Erwin.

"I can't even count the times I've gotten off thinking about you," he murmured, licking the shell of her ear and bringing her out of her thoughts of her big brother.

He pulled his hand away and licked her arousal off his fingers, eyes locked on hers before shoving her hands away and hurriedly undoing the fastenings. Loki grinned as his cock was pulled out of his underthings and pressed into her. All of a sudden, she was full. She bit his shoulder and nearly screamed as she saw white. It had been so long since she got any. He braced against the wall behind her head and started up a steady rhythm, kissing her and swallowing her moans like candy. He pulled her to him tighter, groping at her while she ran her nails over his back.

"I missed this," he whispered.

"More…I need more. Now, Lovino. If you stop, I'll fucking kill you."

He obliged with a groan as he increased his speed, fucking her mercilessly while she clung to him. She leaned down and sucked at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, biting down. "Careful…I…can't have…love bites…oh. The other…ah will ta-ah-alk."

"We're in a relationship right? Gotta get you...marked up. Oh, shit, Lovi, don't stop!" she cried, raking her fingers down his back.

He winced and plowed forward even harder, slamming into her with every ounce of strength he had. She could feel the beginnings of her orgasm start in her pelvis, and she arched her back, pressing her arms up above her head into the brick behind her, letting the pleasure wipe every other thought from her mind as she came around him, her head falling back against the wall. All she could see in her mind was Erwin holding her this way. Of him telling her he loved her and had thought of this.


	13. Chapter 13

_You are henceforth invited to_

_the wedding of_

_Loki Smith_

_and_

_Lovino Moscatello_

_At the City Chambers of Briar Glenn_

_On December 1_

_At noon_

* * *

><p>Erwin recognized the artwork on the invitation almost immediately. It was definitely Loki's. She was one of the best artists he'd seen. The scene on the invitation was of the tree in the pasture where they grew up. In a nest were two robins while a bluejay sat a few branches up looking at them. He picked up on the underlying message too. Only an idiot wouldn't, and he was no idiot. She was doing this to spite him. He hated to admit it, but it was working. What was she thinking, marrying a man just to get him riled up? It was madness. Loki's exact brand of madness.<p>

Erwin crumpled the invitation in his fist and leaned against the wall where he stood as he went through his mail as he did every day. His face felt flushed against the cool stone, and his stomach churned. She couldn't have been seeing that Lovino brat for more than a few weeks. Not with the way they acted when she left training. So why would that boy consent to such a thing? Unless she was pregnant. Erwin paled at the thought. No, she couldn't be pregnant. He would've noticed the signs long before she did. She was never that attentive. He closed his eyes and banged his head against the wall, squeezing his fist tighter around the invitation without thinking.

The paper tore in his grip, and the sound gave him a sense of barbaric satisfaction. He wished he had a dozen more of the little bastards to turn into confetti to stuff back into the envelope and return. However, Erwin was never one to indulge his instincts. He had learned that people got further if they used charm and guile. As he looked through the rest of his mail, he noticed a letter to him from that Lovino kid. For a moment, he considered ripping it up, but instead he chose to open it. Perhaps it would give him a few clues as to why this farce of a marriage was happening.

_Sergeant Major Erwin Smith,_

_I doubt Loki has explained much of any of this to you, and I doubt she ever will tell you. She's very strange in that way, is she not? She keeps so few secrets from anyone. It's one of the qualities I find endearing about her. _

_First, I feel I should explain a bit of our relationship. I doubt you want to hear this, but for the most part we've only had a physical relationship. However, I've always felt there was an emotional tie underneath. After we reconnected after graduation, I proposed. It was, in all honesty, a post coital slip of the tongue. I never honestly thought she would say yes. My first assumption was that she was with child, but that wasn't the case. We waited a week before making it official._

Erwin snorted to himself. Did the boy honestly think that was enough time to properly consider marriage?

_Your sister has told me that you wouldn't likely be very pleased with our engagement, so I felt it necessary to write to you and try to inform you better of the situation. I don't expect you to be accepting, but I want you to know that I can provide for her and truly do care about her._

_Between our two incomes, we were able to buy a home in my hometown with plenty of money to spare for groceries and future family. Loki says the town you grew up in is only twelve miles away. It is ironic, is it not? My family is not at all accepting of our relationship or of Loki in general, but Loki says she prefers it that way. She says she's never had a big family, and she doesn't want to start now. Hopefully I can cure her of that aversion in the coming years. _

_Truthfully, there is another reason I wrote to you. Loki refuses to be walked down the aisle because she thinks we're having more than enough people coming already. In truth, we only have thirteen coming and participating altogether including ourselves and the minister! I hope you would be so kind as to walk her down. She would never admit it to anyone, but she thinks the world of you. Her eyes light up when you're mentioned. She would likely protest, but deep down I'm sure she'd be pleased._

_Sincerely,_

_Corporal Lovino Moscatello_

* * *

><p>To Loki, this place was not home. It never would be home because it wasn't with Erwin. During the wedding, she had hoped Erwin would stop her...would snatch her away and tell her he loved her so she wouldn't have to go through with this. All he did though was walk her down the aisle and kiss the side of her mouth before wishing her the best. Throughout the wedding, Loki kept glancing at Erwin, waiting for him to jump up and take her away. But he never did. Never would either. That just wasn't Erwin's way, but oh, Loki wished it was. After they were officially named husband and wife, Loki started to cry. Her life was over. She would never be with Erwin now. Everyone accredited it to happiness, but Loki could tell by the look in his eyes that Erwin knew the truth.<p>

Loki walked-or rather, ran-out of the reception hall, into the crisp, cold evening. She still felt like she was crowded and over-warm and gasping for breath, like there was a great weight on her chest. Her military uniform she wore for the ceremony suddenly felt too tight.

Tonight, she just had to get away from the revelry inside. She could still hear that cheery music and the bubbling laughter that ground against her nerves like steel and stone. Every minute was stretched into eternity in her head. She hasn't had the chance to really relax since that fucking proposal. She was walking through a small garden, making a straight line towards the Walls only a kilometer away. She couldn't stop. If she stopped, she wouldn't be able to stand again.

She wanted to be above self-pity. Didn't want to be pitied at all, as a matter of fact. But she was pitying herself, which was much worse. She couldn't afford to do that sort of thing. If she got started, she'd never stop. The December air was bitter and cold, making Loki wish she'd brought along a scarf. Her breath was coming out in little white puffs of mist, smelling like booze. She wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for a thousand years, but she also wanted to crawl out of her own skin and drown in the nearest body of water. She didn't want to think anymore, but her brain just wouldn't stop.

"He'll notice you missing, you know?"

Loki turned and saw Erwin wearing the same uniform as her but with a higher ranking insignia. She didn't notice until then that her hands were shaking and not from the cold. From grief, shock. "He's already drunk. It's fine."

"Perhaps he asked me to find you."

"And if he did?" she questioned, looking away.

"I'd take you back to the man you chose."

No words had ever sounded so foul. "And will you?"

"If I must."

Loki locked her jaw and started heading back to the reception hall. She couldn't hear Erwin following her, so she assumed he was going back to the barracks and that slut he'd been fucking for the past week. Oh yes, she knew. She could tell by the way he walked. Loki, on the other hand, had a bloody wedding to finish, and then she had to have sex with a plastered husband that probably wouldn't last more than ten minutes.

It was sad really, in a pathetic sort of way. After getting back to the reception hall, she tried to get herself as drunk as possible within an hour. The only problem was that she'd had much stronger booze before, so this barely impaired her ability to walk. This meant she had to drag Lovino's drunk ass back to their home a mile away. By the time they reached their home's adjoining stable, she was dog tired and in the mood for nothing more than her bed. Especially after the emotional ride she'd been on. That's where everything got worse. She was only a few steps away from the back door when Lovino jerked her into the pile of spare hay with a goofy grin.

"Lovino?"

"H-Hey...I was thinking. Let's fuck here."

"Why?"

"So we can say we had a literal 'roll in the hay'. It's kinky, huh?" he snickered.

"Lovi-"

"Come on. We'll make it quick."

Loki huffed. "I bet," she snapped under her breath.

"Come on," he jerked her in for a kiss that made their teeth clack together. Loki tasted blood and jerked away, touching where her lip split. "Let's be naughty. I've spent all day watching you, and I'd love to see the way you ride my mini horse."

Loki huffed. "We make it quick, Lovi. I mean it. I'm tired."

"I thought you had more stamina than that?"

"Not after dragging your drunk ass home."

He snickered and unzipped and withdrew his cock, stroking it lazily; then he squirmed as he tried to get comfortable. "Hay's itchy."

Loki wriggled out of her pants and straddled him, planting her knees on either side of his hips. Since she was drier than a barren wasteland, she spit into her hands and worked them over his shaft. He hardened instantly.

"Why don't you hop on?" he said, grinning. He put his hands behind his head and stared openly at her tits. "Let's see those lovelies bounce."

Loki rolled her eyes. "At least when I was a whore, I got paid for this trash."

She started to ease him in, grimacing as he thrust into her dry core. "That's it, baby…take it all...good girl," he murmured. When he was fully sheathed within her, Loki braced her hands on his chest. "Good?"

"I'm not answering that."

Suddenly, Lovino was moaning quite passionately. Loki started squeezing her inner muscles and doing tricks she learned in the brothel to make him finish quicker. Within a few minutes he was coming inside her with a scream she had to cover with her hand. When he was done and through his orgasm, Loki stood and walked into the house, leaving Lovino outside to either sleep or sober the fuck up. She had blood to clean up from in between her legs.


	14. Chapter 14

Loki was headed for Erwin's quarters after the expedition. The halls were growing dark, and Loki was tired of performing autopsies and surgeries all afternoon. She deserved a break. They hadn't even made it to their furthest point from a previous expedition. About two miles out, they were surrounded like a herd of lambs going to the slaughter. They lost half of their new recruits in just ten minutes. They lost another twelve just before and during their retreat. Four were severely wounded. One of those four was Erwin's girlfriend and future fiancée. He intended to ask her in a week. Loki knew this as she cut her open to work on dislodging shrapnel from fallen trees and a wagon. She did the only thing she knew to do.

Loki would never tell anyone what she did to Thrudr while she worked. She would never admit to shoving a piece of shrapnel through one of her phrenic veins and sewing her up without stopping the bleeding. She had her moved to a recovery bed and waited nearby to see if she would die or wake up, using the excuse that she was worried about her brother's lover. Slowly, she grew pale and clammy and her breathing became rapid and shallow. Then the seizures started. Loki and two medical assistants held her on her side until the seizures stopped. She stopped breathing four minutes later. Loki thought she was going to throw up when she declared her dead. She did throw up when she was dismissed and told to rest.

She couldn't believe she'd actually killed someone. Sure, she thought about killing her, but she never thought she'd actually do it. When it happened, it was like it wasn't her that was moving her forceps towards the vein in her path. It didn't feel like it was her that was sewing her up and having her moved to the post op area. What she did seem to be in control of was sitting by that bed and watching the woman die. Watching how her little "mess up" unfolded before her eyes.

Now she just had to tell Erwin, and she'd be in the clear.

When she found him in his room, there was no one else there. His fists were tight against his sides. His mouth was thin and drawn and his chin was held high. It was dark, but Loki could see shattered glass and torn papers littering the floor. He was standing rigid next to his bunk like a statue. She'd never seen a reaction like this before. Not even when their father died. Loki felt hurt and wondered if he'd feel this way if she got severely wounded. Probably not.

"Erwin. I'm sorry...she didn't make it."

Then finally, finally, as though returning from the depths of his own soul, he spoke. "I see."

"Erwin," Loki shut the door behind her and lit the gas lamp. His fist was bleeding, possibly broken judging by the bruising. She sat him down on his bunk and knelt between his legs, taking his hand and examining it before using a salve from her small bag on his cuts.

"Why is it that we always lose the ones we love first?" he asked quietly. "Why do you think that is?"

His body was quivering. In rage or something else, Loki couldn't tell, but either way, it unnerved her. Erwin was always so neutral and calm in situations like this. This wasn't normal. Loki frowned slightly before kissing his palm. "You still have me."

"That's different. Besides, you'll die eventually too."

Loki scowled. Did he really think so little of her? Was she lower in his mind than that dumb bitch? Suddenly Loki didn't feel so bad for killing that girl. Loki schooled her emotions just before she was about to smack the ever loving shit out of him. He was grieving and not himself. That was all. Hopefully. If it wasn't, he'd get over it with time. He had to.

"Her father gave me permission to marry her, Loki. He said I would be a kind and respectable choice for his daughter. His only child. And I couldn't save her."

"She knew the risks that came with the job, Erwin. Be thankful we have her body. Some families will only get body parts. Heads, a leg, genitals, a chunk of skin with a tattoo, a scalp."

Erwin's eyes came alive then.

He whirled around and grabbed Loki by the throat, shoving her backwards until her back hit the wall. Loki was wide eyed and clutched Erwin's wrist tightly, digging her nails into the skin as she waited for him to either kill her or release her. He balled his hand into a fist and hit her once. Twice. And then he collapsed on the floor in a heap, crying quietly. It was unnerving to see him so vulnerable. Not really knowing what to do, she knelt in front of him and hugged his head to her chest. She expected the old Erwin to sigh and shove her away like usual, but he almost instantly curled into her chest, taking hold of her as if she were life itself.

Without thinking too hard, she began stroking her fingers through his hair like when they were little. She had so deeply longed for this sort of intimacy with him. She hadn't been able to do it since they'd been living together just before he went to join the military. All she could do was think about being closer to him, being able to lay in bed with him again and sleep wrapped in his warmth. Without really thinking about it, she lifted his face in her hands and pressed her lips to his. He stayed frozen for a moment before pulling her closer and wrapping his hand around the nape of her neck. Then he mumbled something. Thrudr's name. Loki never thought she'd jump back from Erwin, but she did right then. She jackknifed and stood abruptly.

"L-Loki, I-"

She didn't hear anymore. She was already headed back to the medical area. That was all the break she needed.

Loki spent the whole of the next day in her shared room. It was empty now though which was nice in its own way. They died during the mission. When working in the Survey Corps, one always needed to find a silver lining. Most of the soldiers returned home, but Loki refused to go back just yet. Lovino would ask questions she didn't want to answer, and then he'd try to comfort her and love her. He'd probably want disappointing sex too. Loki wondered curiously if Erwin left. Likely not. He always stayed in the barracks. He would likely be throwing himself into something ridiculous like studying or training. That's how he coped with the things he didn't have the nerve to face.

Sighing, she stood and got dressed into something that wasn't her military uniform. Her uniform was covered in blood and sent to a cleaner. Now she wore a black dress with long sleeves that was more comfortable. All she would do is get breakfast and come back to her room. Maybe after that she'd do something productive. A nap sounded pretty nice too. She walked through the maze of hallways before finding the mess hall. As she suspected, it was mostly barren. The only ones there were the Commander, the Lieutenant Commander, three Captains, Mike Zacharius...and Erwin. Loki nearly tucked tail and ran, but he had already noticed her by the time she spotted him.

With as much grace as she could muster, she walked by and found an apple and a slice of bread in the kitchen before turning to leave. That's when she heard him call to her. He was being quiet enough that the others would think she simply hadn't heard him. Problem was, Erwin knew better. She was always honed in on him. She went back to her room and locked the door, knowing he'd probably follow after her. If anything pissed of Erwin, it was being ignored. He couldn't stand it.

As soon as she sat at the window to eat, she heard knocking. "Loki?"

Loki rolled her eyes. She really knew him better than he knew himself. Loki stayed silent, watching as her horse grazed.

"Loki, I know you're in there," he barked before sighing. Then he lowered his voice. "I know you're upset, but can we at least talk about this?"

He wiggled the doorknob and Loki snorted as she took a bite from the crisp but bland apple. They had been picked too early. "Loki, this is absolutely ridiculous. I don't even know if you're okay in there. You could have choked for all I know."

She rolled her eyes but swore when she got apple juice all over her front. Grumbling at the fruit, she pulled the dress off and went searching for something to wear. Honestly, she'd rather be naked, but...wait, she could just go naked. She wasn't sharing a room at the moment.

"I'm counting to three and then I'm coming in there. I'm warning you."

Loki glanced at her doorknob, making sure it was locked. Honestly, the thought of letting Erwin see her naked was exhilarating, but she wasn't in the mood to see him. Not after the shit he pulled earlier in the week. She heard the sound of a hair pin clicking around her lock as she crossed to her chest and opened it with a grunt, looking for furs to use as a blanket. The first years of her life had made her into an excellent lock picker, and she had tried to teach Erwin. He was, unsurprisingly, hopeless at it, so she knew this was an empty threat.

She huffed and bent further into the chest, trying to lift the furs from underneath. She looked between her legs when her door suddenly flew open. Behind it stood Erwin, red faced from anger and eyes comically wide that his lock picking actually worked. Loki's eyes widened and her pulse skyrocketed. For one, she was thrilled, but she was also still mad at him. Loki wondered to herself if that was what normal people called love. Exasperation and affection altogether at the same time. She stood slowly and turned to face him with a hand on her hip.

"Yes?"

Multiple emotions flickered over Erwin's face for the next few moments before he finally looked down and blushed bright red. "I...Just don't lock me out anymore," he finally said, turning on his heel and leaving.

Loki stood rooted to the spot with a shit eating grin on her face for a long time. Erwin had looked embarrassed, certainly, and angry as hell. For a brief moment though as he'd stared at her in surprise, another look had flashed in his eyes. Raw lust. She should know; she'd been in the business of lust for two years. She'd had that look herself when she thought of him during sex with Lovino and late at night long after her husband had gone to bed.

"Thrudr my ass."


End file.
